Resolutions

You know what I find interesting?
Those little resolutions people make to themselves, just small ones. Like, "I'll get to the next leaf on the hill before I give up" while cycling.
Or, more appropriate to me.. "I'll just check one blog before I start my homework."
I think if you knew just these resolutions, not even the thoughts of a person, you would gain an incredible amount of insight into that person.
I keep making bigger forms of these resolutions.
"I'll work up the courage to strike up a conversation with him when I finish listening to this song."
"I'll tell her what I really think she should do, right after this week is over."
And then... bigger.
"I will fucking die, there's no way I can get through this."
I meant that last one literally.
Melodramatic attention-seeking teenager, you're probably thinking.
Probably what it should have been.
Probably what it is now, bringing it up again.

I don't know, what are they meant to change? Make us become a better person?
Are we better if we're dead?
No, that's getting deep, and deep is not something I profess to be.
Half of the small resolutions I don't even act upon.

Inability to make decisions. That's what chases people away from me. That's one of the worst qualities to have, and along with a myriad of other bad qualities, it's one I do have.

For some reason, a quote keeps coming to mind from the movie Juno.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
Maybe indecision isn't the best quality. But someone out there must like it.
Maybe I've found that person.
Maybe I haven't, who knows.

I just need someone to turn to.

Starting to feel another bout of something similar to depression, but not quite as severe.
And this one is staying hidden until I write.

Which is a good thing.
'Cause everyone really would hate to know what my worries are.
Thanks for reading.
Brittany.

Teasing.

Not giving people what they want is extremely fun.
Just an extra swing to your voice, raise it an octave, act all innocence... Or alternatively, interpret every word they say literally, and patronise them. Of course, when they know you don't mean it. Because otherwise that's just cruel.
And of course, I am definitely not a cruel person.
Is it really not right?

I mean, we've all done the donkey-with-a-carrot thing at some stage during our lives.
Occasionally though, you've got to give the donkey a chance to rear up on its hind legs and grab the carrot in its teeth, otherwise it's gonna buck and throw the cargo off. (On second thought, can donkeys actually rear?)
You've got to know when to stop, when you've pushed it far enough, but you've also got to let it know that it needs to do work to eventually get the carrot.
Humans can be pushed beyond breaking point, but not by delaying the mundane things that teasing delays. That idea is too ridiculous to contemplate.
Too keep something small (figuratively) just out of reach is far enough for me.
But to an extent, blackmail or torture is merely an elevated form of teasing. (That sounded ever so slightly pschopathic... As in, emotionless, the true form of the word, rather than "mindless killer".) I'll let you figure that one out for yourself though.
Which is why I may have a gross fascination with torture itself, because I enjoy teasing. I doubt it though, I just appreciate history and the lessons we can learn from it, storytelling and the places it takes you, and the representation of violence in movies- all of which have something to do with torture.
Is that right? Is it human?
Of course.
All human is is flaws. Or gifts, depending on which way you look at it. But I'm a glass half empty type of girl.
Thanks for reading,
Brittany.

Bucket List

This is a term brought up more and more, as I've been getting older. I never heard it in primary school, but I guess as we near an age that we have to think about the future, more of the future is being thought about than required. I mean, that's the one thing I'm scared of, the future, but I can't help but make detailed plans before it.
(Before the future? Because that makes sense.)
Is there really a need to carry something out before you are gone? I know that one of the possible meanings of a humans' life is to leave a legacy, but in a thousand years I doubt even The Beatles will be exactly prominent in peoples minds, let alone Ke$ha.
What do I want on my bucket list? (Very glad I corrected that 'who' typo.)
I'm not that sure. I basically want my life to be an experiment, so ...constantly trying new things, I want room for everything in it, but that means nothing on my ideal bucket list has meaning.
And I have things that I want to do before I'm twenty five. Do they count, or is that idea more of a "before sensibility" list?
Because I'm not going to make any of the big decisions- marriage, kids, tattoos, moving away- before then, because that's the age of stupidity, from about mid teens, where I'm at now, until mid twenties. I obviously don't know from experience, but I've known a few people in that age range to take a downturn because of decisions they have made.
And once you fall down that far, it's near impossible to get back up.
I guess that's what life is, regrets and accomplishments, and no-one has gone through without both.
Then again, that could be a lie, because those who die minutes or hours old don't have time to make a decision to regret.
I can't sum life up; I'm fifteen. I've had far too little experience, especially seeing as there's only been one person, to my knowledge, who has even come close.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."- Robert Frost

What I understand is that people need something to live for, and that, for some people, might be a bucket list. I know, so far, it is for me.

Thanks for reading.

Brittany.