More people than I expected read that last post.
Since posting it, my mood has been steadily improving. I don't know whether it's been because of how lovely people are, or if it's because writing it let some of it out.
Now I'm almost happy.
I guess, to everyone who did read it, and acknowledged that they did, thank you.
The situation has actually worsened, but I'm refusing to let myself care, and it's a lot easier after that.

This is what's up.

I've felt like crap since Tuesday night. People... a very small number... have only known since last night though. I feel bad not telling anyone why, but I'm not letting myself complain directly, so if people give a shit, they can read on here. If you don't, feel absolutely free to bugger off. I wouldn't read if I were you. All it is, is complaints.
The other day I was talking to a few friends, and I mentioned offhandedly that I haven't had a best friend since primary school.
For one, I think best friend is a silly label to place on people.
For two, I was completely, utterly, absolutely lying.
The reason my drama class has directly saved my life is a completely different one to the reason it has indirectly saved my life. Indirectly, it's because of a specific person that I met through drama. We started talking, we grew stupidly, amazingly close, the way only teenagers do. We fell in like, and he fell back out pretty quickly. I took a while longer, but eventually, I did too.
Before that, he was my best friend. I've only ever managed to connect with one other person at the same level I connected with him at. I don't care at all for the relationship part of our friendship, not at all. We could talk about anything and we had, and still have, so much in common.
I fucking miss him as a friend like hell though, and the thing is, I see him every fucking week.
After we broke up, we drifted apart. We tried to keep talking, but there wasn't anything there to talk about.
Every few months for the past year or so, we've had an emotional late night reconciliation over MSN. Perhaps he's read one of my blogs, which are generally depressive and whiny as fuck, perhaps I find out he's in a bit of a rut and needs someone just to talk to. So he'll start the conversation, because I won't ever start a conversation with him, not now.
So we'll talk, and we'll both promise to make more of an effort, and confess how much we miss each other, and then... the conversation will die, and nothing comes of it.
This time around on another blogging site, he was asking for questions, I asked how he was, and he tells me he isn't so great.
Mind you, I'm already feeling like crap, for no particular reason at all.
So I ask him why.
He doesn't respond for a while.
When he does it's on MSN, to say he won't post it on Tumblr.
Basically, he's starting to feel more alone than he ever has before, he's hopelessly in love with his best friend, who in turn doesn't speak to him more than about once a week, he hates everything, and everyone else seems to feel free to walk out of his life and replace him.
Now, he's describing exactly what I used to feel about a year ago, because of him. And when I was feeling it, he paid no attention to it whatsoever.
Then he says that he feels guilty, because he's a hypocrite, because he allowed himself to drift out of my life, and replaced me.
Which is completely fucking true, nothing could be closer. Two weeks after we broke up, he started dating his new best friend and probably would have left me for dead if it wasn't for my repeated attempts at conversation, to try and reconcile some of that fucking amazing friendship.
Which is somewhat the reason I barely start conversations anymore. Rejection after rejection tends to lead to not trying. With anyone.
But of course, I being who I am, say "No, no. Don't worry about it. Everyone's hypocritical. It was as much my fault as yours."
What I really want to say is more along the lines of "Okay, could you like, apologise instead of just saying how guilty you feel? Also, you pushed me away. There was no semblance of drifting."
I don't, won't, shan't, couldn't. I'm not that person. No matter how much I attract it, I avoid confrontation, except with my family, and when someone does something completely against my views.
My fucking god. I miss him. I don't know what the fuck I miss anymore.
Him as a person? No. Maybe. Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.
His friendship?
Yes, fucking definitely.
Oh, the conversation.
It ended up in nothing. No goodbye, just a couple of Be Right Back's on both sides and no further continuation.
My fault, probably.
And today, in drama? I made some attempts at conversation, I laughed at a few of his jokes and replied right back.
He stared straight through me.

Of fucking course he doesn't give a shit.
Should have figured that out a while ago.
What's caused my mood to be the worst in a while?
I've given up completely. Deleted him on MSN.
Finally accepted I'm never going to have one of the closest friends of my life back. A year and a half of trying means it's not worth it anymore.
I'm in tears.

An end to conversation.

Him: Ok I am off into the arms of sleep.
Farewell! ^^
Me: I shall see you in the... dawn... of the future?
=].
Do sleep well.
Him: Yes
You SHALL!
You too deary c:
Thanks by the way
Me: ... typing with no words?
Him: -nod?-
Me: Sure. Why not.
Him: -nod-
Well I was typing something
Then I saw you stopped
So I cut what I'd written
Then you stayed stopped
Me: What were you typing?
I wasn't typing anything of importance.
Him: But what I was typing was dependant on what I thought you were typing xD
Me: What was I thought to have been typing?
=]
Him: "for what?" or something along those lines
Me: Well
It was.
I figured that it'd already been answered and I was being silly.
So
For what?
Him: -shrugs- just being an awesome friend I guess
Me: ...?
Him: Iunno I'm tired leave
Me alone
That was what I was gonna say
Like
Iunno
>.< that worked.
Me: You make me smile sometimes. Thanks for the thanks, and right back at you.
Him: Ok, well that was my original intention, so MISSION ACCOMISHED! :D
Ok night
Me: Goodnight.
Him: ACCOMPLISHED*

This is what he confuses me about. This is why I'm drawn back. This is why I don't want to let go.
That conversation we just had... flowed. And then it ended... with that. With what I just posted. "Thanks for being a great friend."
Goodbye? "...But I don't need it anymore?" Maybe, just a simple thanks?
I should have asked for more. I should have wondered what it was. I should have asked what it was for, what it was prompted by.
I wish to ask him tomorrow.
But I'm too cowardly to.

Not much of a blog.

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend.

You. Me. Us. We. Them. Those.
Distinctions. They annoy me. Perhaps I shouldn't be annoyed by them.
I believe that's why I appreciate the anonymity of the internet so much. You can't have a 'them' when you don't know who they are.
For someone who spends the majority of her time on the internet, I don't actually have that many internet friends.
Seeing as I can't generally keep up a decent conversation with a good friend of mine, I don't suppose it's a surprise.
I do have a few though. Omegle and forum sites have introduced me to quite a few people I get along with well.
But the friend that has influenced me the most, who I've kept up the longest is someone I met via a Facebook music group.
I am in love with aspects of music, but it is not my life, or what it is dedicated to.
However, some artists leave me more shocked, more amazed, than anything could in a world outside of music. I'll devote hours of my time to listen to one song, over and over again, because I find it that brilliant. Not do anything else. Just listen. If it holds memories, if it makes me rock back and forth crying because of either the raw emotion of the song, or my own meaning, or if I can just sit and listen to how the music plays with itself, and the lyrics integration. It doesn't matter, I'll listen.
It's not my life, but I can appreciate music.
Radiohead are a band I am in love with. I don't like them. I don't love them. I am in love with them.
There was a fan group on Facebook... still is... which was the biggest fan group on facebook of the band. I posted regularly on its' discussions, as did someone else. He ended up adding me, and all we spoke about at first was music. But I guess I started to share a lot with him, first just expanding on the answers that weren't just "Good" on the how are you's, then we just got to talking about our lives naturally. Things got awkward at one point, but we moved past it. Now we talk pretty regularly, though we had a few months gap when he deleted his facebook account and moved out.
He lives in Israel, I live in Australia. The only time I speak to him is when it's at least past 11 PM and I'm on MSN, and of that, there's a very small chance that he'd be on.
It's good not to talk to him so often.
Our conversations always wind around to music. It's great actually, because no-one quite gets it when I talk about the bands I love. He's into Britpop and he knows his alternative subgenres, which is something I can't say of most people.
Oh, this post satisfied me.
Thanks for reading.

Day 5 — Your dreams. /Number 02 - A picture of what you wore today

Dreams.
Aspirations?
What you imagine going to sleep at night?
Could be either, couldn't it.
Could be both simultaneously. Not for me though. I'd have the oddest aspirations if it was the case.
I guess I'll discuss both.
My dreams, to be frank, scare me. The dreams I remember I remember in detail, and there are just odd details. I haven't had a nightmare that I can remember since before I was thirteen, but my dreams and what they have the potential to mean are freaky. I think every time I have told a dream to someone, the looks on their faces have been incredulous or scared. Of me or for me, I don't know.
So I'd prefer to discuss my aspirations.
I don't know how many of you know this, but I kind of have the idea of my future set out. I don't know how many of you are interested either.
I'm expecting in ten or so years time, I'll be a teacher. I'm not necessarily hoping for that, I'm just expecting it.
I'm planning a few things in the future between now and then, but how they'll work out considering the state of my current friendships is debatable. I was always hoping to travel with friends in my gap year, but I'm not taking a gap year. I think we get about seven months off anyhow, so a few of my friends and I decided we'd buy a van and road trip around Australia, or at least part of it. I can't even remember the people involved, but it would be nice. It's not an original idea at all, and it might not be a plausible one, but it's nice to have something in mind.
I'm doing all TEE subjects for my six next year. My aim is, quite plainly, university. Specifically, the University of Western Australia. If I have the capability to get in.
Apparently you can fail English and be an English teacher though.
But UWA is the highest in the state, so I doubt that could happen there.
I want to do an education degree, majoring in English and minoring in drama. If that's the right terminology. Become an English and Drama teacher.
That's not my dream though. I'd be lying if that was all I wanted in life.
No. I think I mentioned this before, perhaps even numerous times. To act, in theatre. That's my dream. I don't want to be famous, just to be known, just maybe, once in life, to be wowed at, to leave an impression in someones mind. I'm not that memorable a person.
I want to get into Theatre at WAAPA, and every year for about 5 years, after I go to university, if I am able to do that, and once I've secured a job, I will audition. Only 18 out of about 300 get in each year, nine males and nine females.
So I'm not going to be heartbroken if I don't get in. There are others far more talented than myself, I realise that.
You know, it'd just be nice.

That's my ultimate goal in life. To act on stage and make a living from it.

I have minor and short term objectives as well.
I'd like to travel across Australia by train, alone, by the time I'm 30.
I'd like to write and publish a short story, play, or monologue.
I'd like to have a best friend.
I'd like to get a B average at the end of year twelve.
I'd like to get a job in the next few months.
I'd like someone to remember my name when they're sixty, someone who hadn't been friends with me at that point, for good reasons.

I don't know. My dreams might not mean anything. I'm one person in more than six billion.
Maybe a dent, a pinprick on the world would be nice.

...I don't think any of what I just wrote made sense. The whole post.

As for what I wore today?
Knowing what school I go to isn't a good thing on the internet. =].
So you can have a look at my shoes.

I do like contrast. And I love Converse.

Thanks for reading.

Day 1- Your Best Friend / Number 01- A picture of yourself

I don't quite know what defines a friend, let alone a best friend.

You know what? I don't have a best friend. I have some extremely close friends, but the majority of the people I consider at the top of the list I have never seen cry. And that seems like a requirement of this best friendship people consider so important.

Does the idea of a best friend differ between people? Is a best friend defined by parametres of being there, being someone to talk to, or just being the friend that is better than the rest?
I haven't yet found someone that understands me. No-one I feel completely comfortable with when talking to. I'm always out to impress, or to understand them rather than put myself in the position of being understood.
And there are people who'll comfort me if I fail an exam, there are people who'll smile sympathetically at me as I cry. And them I appreciate.
But a best friend is something I'm lacking.
Though it's not something I'm going to try intentionally to get. That's not a best friend.

Oh, before I forget. Number 01- A picture of yourself.

There we are. Lovely, pretentious, and highly edited. My eye. The window to my soul. How incredibly deep must this person be? To have someone see into her soul every time they look at this blog post.
I'm so self deprecating. But I think it's a good thing.
It's a picture of me, sure enough.




















But that's cheating.

There we go. See, I can have a dark side... if you want me to. (Tim Minchin is damn awesome)
Or at least it looks that way from a distance.

Thanks for reading.

Experiences

So my friend wrote a blog about this yesterday, on the day of the event, but I decided to wait until the aftereffects really sunk in to decide my definite feelings on it. I went ice-skating yesterday with four friends.
It was fantastic. One of the best days out I've had in a long time. About an hour after I got home, I could not bend my knees more than 90 degrees, without screaming in pain. The rest of the night I stayed stiff as a board, on my laptop replying to the 161 comments I got on facebook as a result of the trip. These are only a few of my bruises, I've got so many more.
Funnily enough, despite the pain-induced convulsing this morning, trying to get out of bed, and the fact that I had to kneel through a four minute monologue I did for an exam today on knees that were killing me, I definitely have come to the conclusion that the pain is and was well worth it. It was fantastic. On the first of June, I officially, completely, and finally let go of something that's been tying me down for a year or two. The second of June was the realisation that I was free.
And that's what was so enjoyable about the experience. Freedom. The only thing any of us were bound by were the session times of the ice rink, and the bus schedule. No worries, no obligations, no work to do there, no deadlines to meet. We were just having fun. The fact that my mind was so much freer was amazing, and really added to the experience.
We could talk to whoever we wanted, could say pretty much anything, and break a few boundaries.
I accused one of my friends of excessive flirting, but I'm sure I did a bit too. And the thing is... it's just flirting. It doesn't really matter.
It's put me in a great mood, and I think that will last for the rest of the week. My self esteem has been lifted, the corners of my mouth were incessantly upturned, and I felt constantly involved.
The only thing bruised is my body. Not even my ego, seeing as falling over was a good thing.
I can't move without groaning at the moment.
But I'm starting to see the bruises as being a reminder to the time we had.

I think we all deserve this.

So there's a couple of things I'd like to share.
I was notified of this Ten-Year Self-Improvement Challenge over Facebook, by someone I'd like to call a friend, but that might not be quite correct, as I don't know them in a way other than Facebook.
I had posted a status about doing one of those photo diaries. In this I'd take a photo of myself every day, for a few years, and compile the photos into a video at the end of this time period.
She commented to tell me I could potentially make it part of TYSIC.
So I have.
I'm quite excited about this.
It's the first long term project I've taken on that I feel I can accomplish.
Perhaps as a teenager it marks the beginning of something.
It might not.
I'm a bit late in my aim, it started on March 4th, and it is meant to end on the 4th of March 2020. The person who undertook this massive project aims to blog everyday. He's a comedian. You can read more about it here. Perhaps even undertake something of your own, albeit three months late.
I guess I'll finish on the 24th of May, 2020, if not earlier.
This three hour a day thing is working.
Just. I have about ten minutes left.
It's also 6 minutes to twelve AM.
Maybe I should organise my time better.
I'm listening to an album I bought today when I was shopping with a couple of good friends of mine after exams. It is an absolutely crazy album, and the band (The Violent Femmes) is on the shortlist to possibly become my future favourite, and that's something, to at least come close to beating the pure magic of Radiohead.
The bands versatility is amazing.
I recommend you listen.
I'm the only one I know who has not eased off buying CD's at all, apart from maybe one person. Today I bought The Violent Femmes' Add It Up, yesterday I bought Morrissey's Kill Uncle, (also a fantastic album), and last Sunday I bought The Alternative Album Vol. 2 (A good album, but not the best of the compilation series) I could go back and list the instance I bought or acquired each of the 61 CD's I own (Pathetic, I know) but that would mean a very long post that not even I would bother to read.
Music makes up this huge, non-erasable part of my life. It's good, having steady things to rely on, to me, as you've probably seen through my last few blog entries. I always thought I hated life being steady. I cause trouble for myself to make it not so. Counselling helped me realise who I am, but I'm still more a mystery to myself than I am to anyone else. However, no-one seems happy to inform me of the negatives.
Here's a challenge I pose to you; In the next week, being that most of you know me personally, tell me something you really, intensely dislike about me. I'm asking you to, for my sake. Please do.

Thanks for reading.

Brittany.

Reliance and responsibility...

I'm thankful to have friends, friends I'm able to cry next to without feeling guilty, friends I can talk to about pretty much anything, and friends who I know are just there, just steadfast and trying to be strong, for themselves as well as me. A lot of people I know have none of those types of friends.
And I have all.
And I feel unlucky.
Maybe I need to learn to appreciate every aspect of friendship. Because those don't define anything.
I'm even luckier to have someone like my boyfriend. It's the first time in my life I know that no matter what happens, I can crawl to him on my hands and knees and he'll bend down and pick me up. We can just lie, me on his chest listening to his heartbeat.
You know how reassuring someone else's heartbeat is? It's so steady, and it confirms that you are alive yourself. You're hearing that. That is a life, and those vibrations of sound, those vibrations are your ears taking in information. That information, is transmitted to your brain. Your brain. Which does that unconciously. Which does a million and one different acts for you that you're not even aware of. But that's why you're living.

It upsets me that I have a weak heartbeat. Pressing my hands to my chest, fucking indenting it I'm pressing so hard, I can't feel a thing most of the time.
Maybe it's symbolic. I'm going to stand there for people as long as I can, but I can't cope well, I can't cope well at all.
What worries me is that if he's on his hands and knees, will I be able to pull him up?
Would I be able to pull any of my friends up?
I don't really think I'm that strong, that confident, that positive.
But I can try.
And I'll try my hardest.
And I'll improve.

I will.

Brittany.


One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise paid
Four hands and then away

Both under influence
We had a divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hand of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
for me, no

To call for hands of above
to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough

Sick of...

...mind, sick of heart, sick of body.
I'll explain the first one first. I feel I'm going a little mad. I never used to have the problems with my mind that I have at the moment, and I'm confusing myself more, day by day, week by week.
I don't really know what's up with it.
I've never been one of those people who think before they speak. It's gotten worse of late. I think of a word, and before I know it, it's out of my mouth. Luckily for me, none of what I've said has been offensive. I'll just randomly blurt out stuff like "interesting" or thoughts like "No-one smiles AT you anymore."
I'm adding to my collection of weird looks. Nearly everyone in the school now, but not quite.
But in a way, I feel I'm improving my mind. I've become more negative, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised"
-George Will

Genius. That's what he was.
It's true, it's a great philosophy too.
Take, for example, just recently. I did a speech for my Literature class, and because I went a minute and a half over the time limit (7-10 minutes), and I didn't think my content was detailed enough, I thought I'd failed.
I ended up tying for top mark in the class- I did tie with a few other people, but still, top mark isn't anywhere near something to be ashamed of.
I was incredibly happy, and I know that I would have been less happy if I'd been expecting to do well.

There's my life lesson for the day. Now let's move on to more mundane things.

All of my friendships are wasting away. But don't worry, it's not bad for the environment- they're biodegradable.
It's far too hard to focus on friendships, schoolwork, homework, jobseeking, a love life, and enough sleep at the same time. And one of these things that are showing the strain is friendships.
I've tried so hard to strengthen bonds with people over the past two years. I've grown close with people, properly, for what might be the first time in my life. And I feel like I'm letting all of that work just... slip, because of my lack of confidence, my lack of courage to strike up conversation that I just know will turn around and bite me. I really hate the internet, but I love it dearly. It's what's caused a lot of my friendships. Reading friends blogs, talking to friends on MSN, seeing what friends are doing on Facebook. But you can't tell emotions through typing, unless it's blogging. And to be honest, that fucking destroys things.
That's why the only thing I'm not apprehensive about on the internet is blogging.
Or a good old email. But people don't know the meaning of email anymore. It's all instant.
I wish we'd stopped developing about five years ago, and focused on building up things around us- countries that need our help, keeping down rates of suicide or depression, figured out a way that humans can live without destroying themselves.
But that's bad, because I don't want to be stuck in the past, I am not a conservatist, I look towards the future- I can't live anything else.
But just to be able to sit down and talk to someone is something I miss. I haven't done that for months, physically at least.
It's all a big group who's far too involved with each other, one conversation going here, another going there. Then you hear your name or something else hat interests you mentioned in another conversation, and leave me feeling deflated and unwanted. I can't blame anyone who does this, I do it probably more than anyone else.
But it happens far too often.
I've got to start rebuilding my friendships. Then maybe my heart won't feel so sick anymore.

I'm writing this in my pyjamas, wrapped up snug in a dressing gown and uggs. Perhaps the least of my worries is the reason for me doing this in the middle of what should be a school day.
I don't like being sick. It makes me feel helpless, and that's something I cannot stand. That's why I don't like people paying for me, and I don't like talking openly to people anymore.
But I suppose you can't really go to school vomiting.
It's just against society's wishes.
What a pity I didn't realise that one day last year.

Thanks for reading.
Brittany.

Friendship

I'm really worried about what people think of me. I don't show it, but I am.
Which is why I'm in such a depressive mood now.
But I'm more worried about other people in general. I can't help but sympathise with someone, no matter how small their plight is. So I'm blogging about that instead.

At the moment, my friendships are a bit mixed up and I'm not sure who's where on the loyalty scale, but I tend to stay loyal way past the point of time friendship should be over.
That's probably what's happening with my ex and my thought processes at the moment.
We grew to be best friends, he asked me out, we went out a couple of months, I broke up with him because it was too awkward, and we went back to being really close again. Except you can't go through something like that and let it not have an affect on a friendship.
I didn't get over him for a while. It's hard to when you're talking to this person everyday.
Which is probably why he's the one person I can never have a decent conversation with now.
I remember we used to be able to talk about anything at all and feel comfortable. Our conversations got really deep, but we could switch back to jokey in an instant. Of course, this was when we were just friends. I kind of wish I had someone like that now, a proper friend who I could say anything to. It'd help me out a lot right now.

He's going through some stuff at the moment, repercussions of dating people who were previously his best friends. It doesn't tend to work out, because friends are friends and relationships are relationships, and in the past... just over a year, he's been broken up with thrice because- a direct quote -"it was much better when we were best friends, now everything is awkward".
And I obviously have an opinion on this, because I have an opinion on near everything, but we've grown too distant for me to say it without worrying about offending him.
I really value his friendship, but it's so hard to keep it together. And he's changing as a person, trying to fit into a mould that he's not, and it shows. He hangs out with the boys who only have one thing on their mind, and only one thing coming out of their mouth.
He has a lot more depth than that...
People change, and everyone finds that.
There isn't very much you can do about it.

Absolutely nothing to do with what is going on, but it helps order my thoughts.

Thanks for reading.