Reality has finally hit me.

As in, I realise it's real. I still haven't really accepted it, but I know it is.
This year has been the best of my life. And these last two months or so have been the highlight of that. I don't think I've ever been as happy as some of the moments over them. If this is it, if something happens to me now, I won't mind as much. I know I've had the opportunity for the best times of my life, and I know that though it could probably get even better, I've been happy.

Still, I'd prefer it to continue than it to end.

Thank you so much.

I'm honestly worried right now. I've fallen. If anything happens, I've put my all into it. I'm going to absolutely shatter.
I'm putting my trust in a relationship. Funny, huh? I talk about them with disdain and all I do is scoff.

Hypocrite that I am.

Some sort of security, some sort of attachment. I need it. I've finally found it in something that I never would have expected.
I sound really warped at the moment, I must. Normal people don't worry about things like control. Nor do they worry about relationships, in the same way that I do.

INAH. INAHINAHINAH.

Day 2 — Your crush.

You're not just a crush, you're a relationship. And you're the most serious I've had so far.
So many memories, so many competitions...
What was it, seventeen times on our first proper date?
The first words I spoke to you. Utter nonsense to you, but you can't remember them now, so I don't suppose it matters. "Are you an Eddie Izzard quoter?"
You throwing... Brodie(?) over your shoulder. Showing off.
Feeling stupid as I was told in the dorms one night that you weren't a leader. I'm terrible with ages. I pretended to find out the next morning. I acted surprised.
First time we actually clicked. Running up and down the sand dunes a million and one times. Me faceplanting 99 percent of the trips down. Just sitting there in the middle of them, not bothering to move any further up, as we were both out of breath. Then we started talking.
I can't even remember what we spoke about. It was just cool, really chill.
Those few awkward phone conversations at first. Especially after the first time we saw each other after camp.
You running up a $300 bill on your home phone, calling my mobile, when I'd told you to call my home phone.
I can talk with you about almost anything, and I share the most with you out of everyone I know at the moment.
You are the only person in my life that makes me feel secure. I know you, and you know me. You don't know me as well as you'd like, but you do know me, I'll give you that much.
You're fantastically, amusingly, amazingly predictable. That's not a bad thing. It's kind of beautiful, because it is simplicity.
But you're definitely not simple. You have that liquid element, which is kind of scary. But some parts of you are solid. Your desire to just help people. You don't seem to care at all what happens to you. Which isn't really a good thing, because you're pretty special. But the way you can expend so much for others... It's something I really admire.
Maybe we don't quite agree on everything, and our interests do differ. But what we've got for the moment makes me happy, and it's enough.

Emotionally attached.

I'm falling. Falling pretty damn fast, I must say.
Obviously, not in a literal sense. Yeah, I'm typing this on my way to my deathbed on the rocks below the cliff I just jumped off.
No, I mean emotionally, I feel like I'm falling. Whether it's a fall as in tripping over, or a fall as in tripping over a cliff, I don't know.
I don't get attached easily. The few guys that I've dated, being only young, there's only been two I've felt emotionally attached to, and the current one is just bloody off the scale, which is scary, and just... crazy. The other one is currently what I call my best friend, but that's very debatable and a topical issue of mine at the moment, and maybe one for another blog.
I hate not being in control of my emotions, but it's a rollercoaster, and I always enjoy thrills.
I've never said love to anyone before. Anyone but my family. It's a word that ties down a lot, and it makes you stay put, and I don't really know that I want that. But I said it pretty early on this time around. And I don't know, maybe then, it was an obligatory reply, I mean, it's horrible for someone to say that they love you and for you to leave them hanging at that.
But what scares me now is that I know it's not an obligatory reply, that I definitely mean it. And I don't want to, I don't want to at all, but I do.
It's letting loose a bit as well, like, I haven't properly let any emotion show since I got over my depression only a little over a year ago, and now I'm showing a wanting, and an eagerness, and love. And it's scary letting one person see that, which is why I can honestly say I trust him. He's sweet and chilvarous... which is an odd trait to like, coming from me, a 15 year old teenage girl, but it's different in the lads of today, and that's something I love.
God, I'm getting more English by the second. "Lads." Next thing you know I'll be calling guys "fit" and trucks "lorries".
But it's not just that, he can be the opposite as well, which can be fun, to say the least.
It's good to know that I can keep control though. I need to remind myself that sometimes, and that sometimes turns into most of the time when I'm with him, because no matter what I feel for him, he's a boy, and I can't let it get too intense. Teasing him is partly jest for me, and partly a reminder to myself.

I don't know, I feel like I'm far too young to be writing about this and have a clue what I'm talking about, which is why I'm apprehensive about posting this. There's also the fact he will read.

Thanks for reading
Brittany