I don't hate anyone. At this moment, I barely dislike anyone. And two people, both people I've already mentioned- my father and my ex boyfriend- have caused me the most pain. In fact, they're the only people of significance that have caused me emotional pain. Physical pain I've never had much of, but I've been in a few physical fights. All of them I walked away from with merely bruises, so I doubt they're even worth mentioning.
I was on the phone to my boyfriend for what felt like the first time in months today.... I spoke to him last night. It's been the hardest day I've had in a while.
In my Politics and Law class, everything collapsed. I couldn't talk to anyone. Usually I seem like this happy, vibrant, cheerful, over the top cartoon character. I don't think I ever could be that person really. By the end of the lesson, I'd built it all back up, and I could go on. I don't know what triggered it, but something must have. It's amazing, when I'm constantly putting on this face, everyone believes it, everyone is happy with me and themselves. As soon as I show a semblance of letting go of anything, people pounce. "Are you okay?" "What's wrong?" "Are you sure?"
I don't matter enough for them to be worried about me as well. They've all got better friends who probably have their own problems, and they've got their own on top of that.
I can deal. If I hide it, I can cope with my problems one by one and privately. I've got a few people to talk to, that's all I need, no one else should or has a need to care.
My being on the phone was not just a start to a pessimistic wallow in self-pity, something happened.
I actually make someones life worthwhile. A whole person.
It's terrible.
Don't ever rely on me, please.
I guess this has indirectly discussed the people who've caused me the most pain; it's shown how I process raw emotion and turn it into harshly happy light, because of experiences they have given me.
Doubts of posting this.
You think your good at hiding emotions, your not.
ReplyDeleteThe minute you begin to trail off, people can sense it. I can empathize with you, I'm forced to do so as well. Its made me the way I am.
Everyone says - shit happens and then we move on. We really have to question how many of us really do.
You do deserve people caring for you. You have good heart. Take it from someone who has no problems speaking her mind. People choose to not because they have to or need too, they do it because they want to. If caring is an obligation, then its not caring at all. It is more or less a responsibility.
I've been really good lately, my mask seems to be in place again. But it kills doesn't it? When its the people you love the most, that hurt you the most?
I'm not going to give you any advice, I don't know how and I'm not much better of then you are.
But there is one thing I want you to remember - Smile. As long as you do, no matter how much pain there is, people won't throw those questions at you. We are always blinded by what we see. If you've decided to put on a mask, do it well. Even when you feel like you can't hold up. Temporary relief is better than none.
My pop taught me that. I guess its something that I will always carry with me.
Something else I want to let you know.
If you ever need anything, if its in my power, I will help. In a sense - we are very alike.
Although I am guilty of it myself, I feel constantly putting on fake faces and masks is simply betraying everyone around you. They are getting to know somebody made of ceramics, plastic and bright sequins, not the flesh and blood, heart and soul beneath all of that. Basically, it's lying. Weren't we taught that lying was bad at some point? I don't remember, morals have gone to hell these days (oh look, I made a joke.)
ReplyDeleteMaybe not all, but a lot of people ask if you're okay when you look sad because they are genuinely concerned and maybe even scared for your well being, not because they are gossipy little bimbos who're pretending to care just to gain respect and attention.
And also, when we ask if you're okay, and you say "don't worry, I'm fine" and we don't say anything and move on or accept it it's not because we are content with your answer, or that you "don't matter enough to worry about" (because believe me, you damn well are important, amazing and a true gift to this world.) I know personally I am torn up inside whenever a friend gives me that answer, I just can't find the words to express the sympathy or comfort needed.
I understand the need to deal with things alone - that is how I work too. But people do care, and those close to you, or those who care deserve to at least know how you're feeling. What the heck is friendship when everyone is wearing masks of lies all the time? And how is that going to solve anything if it just creates new stress and guilt to replace whatever it is you're dealing with?
That's just me talking though... I have had friends in the past who have constantly rejected all sympathy and told me they are peachy and fine, then the next night tell me they want to die. I'm not saying you should pour out your life story to just anyone, or that you need to go on a tangent each day about what exactly is going on in your mind, but just curling up within yourself, convincing yourself you are not worth anyone's trouble is not going to help anything (if anything, it'll make you feel worse.) Throwing your pain into the heavy burlap sack upon your shoulder, tying off the top so the demons cannot escape and carrying it through to hell and back purely for the sake of a mask... that wont make you, or anybody else feel better. The people the mask is intended to protect will just feel helpless in the midst of it all.
Maybe I'm just angry because so many people are hiding away at the moment... it's like a fucking masquerade around here, if you'll excuse my French. Nonetheless, that is my two cents on that topic, and it's open for debate. (Bear in mind, I'm tired/sick and probably repeated myself a lot, rambled and made no sense/contradicted myself.)
Tien?
ReplyDeleteI am fucking fantastic at hiding emotions. I know it. Every day of every week I am stopping myself thinking, stopping myself crying. The only time you notice it is when I can't keep that barrier up. My mind is fucked up, I think I might just be going insane.
And Mel... the reason I write this is to let some of those demons out. I don't know any other way but writing, I've lost the art of conversation. It feels like I act who I am, who I'm meant to be, or I don't live.
I need to start talking to people again. Need.
But I can't answer truthfully in public. That's just too hard.
Thanks. Both of you.
Mel, you did make sense, every word.