Sunday, February 12, 2012

Filling in gaps.

I've recently gotten addicted to the site Gumtree, which is an Australian site that you can sell unwanted or secondhand goods for. There's a story to be told with so many of the items there, though it might just be my imagination. So many wedding dresses sold to be rid of because they're "never worn." An engagement ring valued at 3000 being sold for 2250 ONO, because the seller "really just wants to get rid of it now!" I fill in the gaps of stories I don't know.
I recently had a trial shift waitressing at a restaurant. My shift was on Saturday, and an elderly man came in, and sat at a table alone, finished his meal, paid, then left. Apparently he's a regular, who comes in every Saturday night and eats the same meal at the same table with the same lack of other people. I feel sorry for him, but in doing so I feel intrusive. Do I have a right to? Maybe he does it to remember his wife, or because he wants to go out without anyone to go out with, or enjoys the restaurant and likes to treat himself... I don't know, I have no right to judge, though what I'm doing isn't judging. My gap filling mind doesn't leave room to the imagination. Sometimes when I'm sitting on a bus or a bench and can see two people conversing I'll make up what they're saying to each other. Once this led to me feeling incredibly guilty, because in my imagination I'd made a boy and a girl break up with each other. The girl half walked, half ran away crying, and the boy sat at the table with his face in his hands. There's no reason I should feel guilty, I don't dictate others lives through imagination, through filling in the gaps. Nonetheless, I do feel guilt and shame.
I become far too emotionally invested in things which should not concern me. But this doesn't really bother me.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Oh god. I've just spent the past two hours looking through about a year and a halfs worth of posts and comments, the time that spanned the most emotionally exhausting year of my life. It's amazing how much things have changed since the last post I made. I can't remember feeling like what I was expressing in those words, I can't remember crying so often, I can't remember everything that happened to me spurring me towards suicidal ideation and action... I get glimpses of that occasionally now, but everything has changed. Antidepressants have worked, they were what set me on the path to feeling... better. I'd use a more imaginative word then but it probably doesn't need it- it's such a simple change, but it's a complete one. However, I know if I go off them now I might not be able to cope again.
My exams are over, I have the results. My ATAR score was 82.35, which means I can apply to any university with a reasonable hope of getting in- UWA entrance rank is generally 80, Curtin & Murdoch are 70, and ECU is 50. It's a lot better than I ever expected to do. I beat my predicted ATAR, which was around 75, and I beat my own expected ATAR, which would have been 71-72. I'm immensely shocked and feeling just a bit of pride- I mean, I don't know if it was a fluke, but I was studying about 10 hours a day at some points, and studying hard for about three weeks, so maybe, just maybe it wasn't a fluke and I actually managed to do that well legitimately.
I am loving life at the moment, and even better, I'm starting to respect myself. I'm organising a trip away with friends, a kind of leavers without all the alcohol/drugs/sex/rock and roll shitty pop music it's generally known for. There's been a few hiccups with organising, but at the moment everything is running smoothly.
I'm still with Joseph and loving him as much as ever, and because I'm not reliant on him for... well, living, then it leaves me more able to simply love and enjoy his company. I am eternally grateful and thankful to him, without Joe I know I wouldn't have made it through.
I don't regret feeling the way I did, because it's made me a more self aware person. I'm still convinced depression is something I'll continue to battle for the rest of my life, especially if I go off antidepressants, but having faced this and broken through I'm more equipped to deal with it and have more empathy perhaps, with both myself- yes, that does make sense, I'm pretty distant from myself usually- and other people who might be going through the same or a similar thing.

I just wanted to let anyone who reads know that I am okay, I'm living and living well, with not much chance of dying anytime soon. Thankyou guys, so much, for supporting me.