Tuesday, March 29, 2011

And today it comes crashing down.

Can I sit in my room and do a mixture of cry, sleep, and eat for the next three days? It'll be a lot more productive than anything I'd manage to do at school.
Oh fun. Maths test which I'll fail and Literature essay, again, something I'll fail.
I don't feel up to anything, but I have to.

I want to talk to someone. I actually do. I don't want to burden them though, I don't want to put responsibility or pressure on them. I don't want them to worry, not about someone as insignificant as me. But I want to talk and cry for hours and hours and hours.
Goddamn weak.

Monday, March 28, 2011

First night in a while I feel halfway decent about myself.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Good, for all intents and purposes.
Good, because nothing has happened to make me bad.
Good, because though I feel like crying, there's no reason to.

What the hell. Honestly Brittany, get it over with. Everyone will be better off in the long run.
You coward.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Ugh. People are never what you think they are. They're never as good or as bad as you make them.

It's only later you realise what they were, and even then you don't know what they are, you know what they put themselves as, it's what they are to you.

Sometimes I really wish I had someone who knew me.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I noticed on Facebook today that a few people joined groups and posted statuses saying R.I.P for a particular boy. He didn't go to my school, but I know a lot of people who knew him. I went on the group's wall and saw so many consoling messages... "You will be missed, you were such a lovely face to see, always smiling." and a lot of messages that were similar.
Curiousity killed the cat. I wanted to know how someone that young could have been affected in such a way. So I went to his profile, and I scrolled down a bit and saw a couple of messages. "...I wish I'd talked to you more, and helped you more, and tried more, maybe I could of changed something..." and "i'm sorry that you felt that this was the only way out."
So I've kind of gathered how. And now I feel guilty. Not because of that, but because of what I've considered and how it could affect people.
The trouble is, it doesn't deter me. Nothing seems sincere, it all seems like empty words and pats on the shoulder, maybe a shoulder to cry on. You can't pat someone on the shoulder who no longer exists, you can't offer a helping hand to someone who no longer needs it.
Show love before someone could be forced to that. Words don't mean anything once it's done.
I try to find the time to tell people what they mean to me, or have meant, because it's nothing, nothing at all when they're gone.
If I go I don't want people who know me because they passed me walking to my next class commenting on my wall saying "You were always such a happy person."
They don't know shit.
I want the people I care for to be there before I go, and if I go I don't want them feeling like shit because they didn't try. Telling people what they mean isn't hard, and it's all you have to do if you actually give a shit about them.
The poor kid. I wish it hadn't come to this for him, it must be terrible for his family and friends.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

the morning and the night are your weakest points.
thoughts become dark then
scars become tempting
one deep red line after another
in the light they're covered

you're a fool
you're a weak fool and you deserve nothing better.

so you had a high today?
you woke up feeling like shit. the first words said on the bus made you feel worse. as the day progresses you begin to dread your next class. yet it's that class which gives you a high. And then down you sink.

Fucking hell, I'm starting to spiral and it's another fucking hole.

I'm prompting nostalgia.

I'm looking back through old photos, as in, photos from before I even got the camera I have now. It's really saddening seeing how people have changed and how my friendships have deteriorated. It's sad how I've changed, I'm more ashamed of myself now than I ever was. I'm blasting myself with an onslaught of songs I listened to about two or three years ago. I feel like going back there. Even though in terms of sadness, it was a lot more frequent. I miss my relationships from there. I miss the friends I had, I miss who I was, I miss how we meshed, and it's annoyingly depressing that I'll never have that back because of how people have changed, but more how I've allowed myself to change.
I've built upon a cover ever since I started high school. In year nine and ten, I somewhat liked the cover I had. Now I don't.
Ugh. I feel bad for saying this though, because in one way my life is a lot better.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


You want to know the answer? Do you really fucking want to know the answer?
It's yes.
Because you hope it'll make it easier for everyone in the eventuality that you go. No, eventuality is pessimistic. The possibility. The possibility that you go.
You are losing friends purposefully. But you can't tell them to their face. They've got to make the decision, you're trying to help them along. Because apparently you know what will be the right decision. You know what will hurt them the least.
You can judge people, you pessimistic manipulative bitch, but you can't judge a persons emotions. Or thoughts. You think they aren't going to figure out that you're making yourself a bitch, making yourself blunt and honest and forthright, but painfully so? Do you think they aren't going to notice you pushing yourself away? Do you think they'll notice the flood of negative emotion streaming from you?
They'll know.
If you survive this year, if you get through the shithole of emotions and friends and people that is school, if you get onto uni, maybe you will have a chance. You might change your whole outlook on life.
But pushing everyone away isn't going to fucking change that. You need people to help you fucking cope.
Or do you think you can do it on your own?
That's what you're trying to convince yourself. You're fucking weak Brittany. You're the weakest person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. And fuck me, I happen to fall into the path of living your life. You can't do it yourself.
Do you want to die?
You refuse your friends, you refuse your mother, you refuse your boyfriend (fucking hell that WORD), you refuse a doctor you refuse a counsellor yourefuseafuckingtrainedprofessionalpsychologist. Do you want to cause people pain?
No, but you believe you're worthless, you believe it's the only way out. You aren't worthless. Either that, or you're a liar and a hypocrite. How many people have you assured of their self worth? How many people have you comforted?
You've saved more than one person from what you're thinking about, yet you choose to perhaps do what you've persuaded them against? You choose to believe you're worthless, despite the fact that you've told them that everyone has worth?

At the moment you're spending every night and most mornings thinking about it. You lie in bed and almost miss the bus because you're thinking about timing. Night, morning? You figured out how you would do it. You figured that out a while ago. Last August. But you didn't go through with it, because you're a coward. This time though, you think you're breaking. The  down periods are coming often and with little interval. Don't you want to save yourself? At least try.

Brittany, every teenager has been a burden to their mother. Maybe not in quite the way you have. Every teenager has had negative impact on life, unless you're Mother Theresa in disguise, and  I'm sure she stepped on a few ants.
You've helped save people's fucking lives, you've been told more than once. Isn't that redemption enough? Doesn't that show you're worth something?
You're never going to believe that though. Because the negative side of you is always going to win. And if the positive side of you believes half the things the negative side of you does, you're screwed.
Do one thing for me though? Get through this year. Just try. Things could get better.

Then again they could always get worse.
If they get much worse then away you go.
... what happens if I want to destroy myself? What happens if everyone deserves at least that much?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Okay, whatever, two blogs in one night though no-one reads them.. pointless.

I just saw a facebook status about a female not shaving their head for the World's Greatest Shave this year because of the school ball. That's understandable, I'm doing the same. I just wanted to bring up something my brother said in relation.

I informed him that if it wasn't for the school ball I'd be shaving my head this year. He was incredibly shocked and told me I was an idiot and asked if I was joking multiple times. I told him no, so he started swearing at me. He said he wouldn't speak to me if I did it, that he'd actually hate me.
I asked him why, and he told me it would make people make fun of him.
It's somewhat upsetting to know that I'm going to be made fun of for supporting a charity and supporting the Leukemia Foundation. Are people really that inhospitable?
Would you make fun of a girl with cancer who was bald?
I doubt it.
Why make fun of a girl supporting it?
I'm not really sure why I keep a blog. Originally it was to get my thoughts and opinions across. But it's turned into a personal rant, whether it be on the side of happy or not.
I feel as though I've made quite a few changes to my life recently, but when I look back it's only one change that's actually affected anything. By recently I mean in the past month or so. Am I happy? I don't know. But I'm having my moments.
My life is centred around schoolwork and another person. Nothing else is contributing, really. I'm trying to eradicate outside influence at the moment, shutting out outlets and people I don't want to be involved with. To be honest, I don't want to be involved with anyone, because I affect most of the people's lives I'm involved in negatively. That isn't a complaint, it's a statement of truth.
I really just want school to be over with at the moment. I'll move on to university then, which means more work, but it's centred around the subjects I want to continue with in life. And it leaves a lot of gaps for free time, and I can take up some opportunities and erase the false identity I have for myself in school. I'm tired of being selfish, I'm tired of having other people's expectations and memories of past experiences influence my behaviour. I'm tired of things I've grown out of.
I'm going to go to university, make new friends, shave my head, and start over.
I still have a year left. And I'm going to need to work hard in that year. I'm not erasing the opportunity I have for life.
Why did I write this? I don't know.
Procrastination. That's a good start isn't it?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011