Wednesday, October 12, 2011


I promise. I promise I promise I promise. I am so in love with you, you don't even realise. I feel so bloody down at the moment, true, but the thought of suicide hasn't even seriously crossed my mind recently. Because I couldn't bear hurting you, I couldn't bear the guilt of that, even if I wouldn't have any feelings after my death. The guilt of knowing I'd do that to you would kill me before any sleeping pills or trains. Doesn't that show I'm feeling better? Doesn't that show you've made that? I love you Joe. I love you too much to hurt you, my heart is literally fucking bursting looking at you sitting on the other end of that computer screen and sobbing. I shouldn't mean that much to you. I'm worth absolutely nothing, you're worth everything. All I am is me. And you're my fucking world. I feel so inflamed by fucking anger at myself right now because I know that what you're feeling is because of me. But I don't even care. I don't care I'm worth nothing, because I know I'm worth more than that to you, and taking anything away from you would kill me, so I won't. I promise, I promise, I promise.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I'm just a girl.

I'm tossing up between being buoyant and free and... flat, worried. It's swinging drastically between the two. I... I wish that I could just stick to an in between. I've finished school. My last day was Friday, my last proper day, Thursday. I have 11 exams ahead of me, 12 if you count my external practical for drama as one. 12 years boils down to this moment and I feel like I'm going to screw up. I don't even fucking know anymore. What am I after school? That was my identity. "Student." I was nothing, nobody else to the big world around. Just some teenager wandering the suburbs on a break from study. My mum seems to hate me, my dad seems to love me, and my whole world has turned topsy turvy and I don't know if I'm making sense. I'm scared shitless of this thing they call the future. I know I should focus on the now... but if I don't focus on the future what if the deep blue of the sky comes to swallow me whole, the sun behind me with nowhere to go. What am I? What are exams?
Our lives are determined around 30 or so hours spread out over a couple of months? It's ridiculous. When in the future are we going to have to sit in a room and cram all we know about a huge broad topic into the space of a few hours? Surrounded by scribbling pens and the waft of whiteout, ink stains on fingers trying to jam a years worth of knowledge into a couple of sheets of paper.
I'm scared as hell.
I don't need this right now.