Saturday, October 30, 2010

Great Expectations.

When I'm happy I can't write, I don't have anything to write about apart from gushing about how brilliant my life is, etcetera. So this post is going to try to avoid that, but I feel like writing, and I don't often write positive blogs.

I can't believe how happy I am.

I have bruises on my feet from jumping on the dance floor at the river cruise in high heels, I have a headache, the light is too bright, I didn't get enough sleep last night. But I have this massive grin that's just staying there, and it'd grow even wider if I was talking to/ I was with someone in particular.

I've never believed in love until this point. I thought "Hey, you're stuck with a decent enough person, might as well make the most of it and hope you come out alright."
Now I've fallen fast and so fucking hard. There hasn't been any ground coming to greet me though, and I don't know if there ever will be.
I'm in love. I hate to admit it. Teenage relationships? At any other point I would have said "bah!" and scoffed. Even with my last relationship.
It was friendship with a few benefits, and I mistakenly called it love.
And it's not just loving someone at the moment. I am in love. There is no way to describe it other than that. No way at all.
Two fucking months and I've fallen this far.
I'm going to make some really stupid decisions. This is all new to me. I'm anticipating that mistakes will be made and boundaries I've set will be broken.
I am so scared at the moment.
I've never ever cared for someone as much as I care for someone now. I'm actually letting myself imagine a sort of future ahead, which might be stupid, but I don't care. It's not going to be something I regret, no matter what happens.
I never thought it was possible to feel this much. I'm scared out of my wits that something will happen, something will wrench these feelings right out of my chest, because that's where I feel them. I know emotions belong in your brain, but these feelings live somewhere in my chest that isn't my heart. And if somehow something is ripped out of there, I will actually cave in, I will shrivel, and I won't be able to stay who I am. There will be a black hole there, and it will take the better part of me away, because these feelings are right in the middle, are the foundation of everything that is me at the moment. I'd have to be bloody strong to avoid being completely erased.
I sound incredibly corny, and stupid, and teenagerish.
I am incredibly corny, and stupid, and teenagerish.
Especially for keeping those feelings there. But that's where they're meant to stay.
This is the highest extent that trust can go to.
I am putting all of myself at risk.
I hope I don't hit the ground, so, so, so, so very much.

Monday, October 25, 2010

My mother is making me see a psychologist.
My mother is making me see a psychologist.
My mother is making me see a psychologist.

As soon as exams are finished, she's going to try and get an appointment booked.
Of course, I'm going to try and talk her out of it before then. I'm not sure how effective that will be.
Fucking hell.
This is what comes of telling people things.
I'm going to stop blogging as much. People can find out about me far too easily this way, and all I ever do is complain, so I'm going to stop.
There is nothing actually wrong with me; there are other people who need far more help. Sure, I have my down points, but fuck that, other people have actual problems that they're dealing with.
I might be prone to depression and... tendencies which are less than helpful, but I don't give a fuck. Other people matter more, I don't want to be taking up some psychologist's valuable time when my life is absolutely fine, it's my brain and my responses that are fucked up. You know, I almost started crying in school again today. FOR NO REASON. Let's not waste our time on this waste of space, let's deal with actual important issues.
I've got myself out of severe depression twice. I'm going to continue to be able to do it. I don't need a fucking psychologist, I understand psychology and depression a damnsite more than a number of other individuals.
Let them use their time on someone that's going to be responsive, has real problems, and is worth it, Mother. Not me.
I'm not a child. I can make my own decisions; especially regarding my mental health. I do not want to see a psychologist.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I've felt like crying since I woke up this morning.
I cried for an hour between five and six today.
I had a massive argument with my mum, the biggest since last year at least, and I was tempted to catch a train and never come back, but that's not even why I was crying.

Fucking hell.
What is wrong with me?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Fucking ridiculous.

Ah. I dun like this. I'm not keeping two feet on steady ground. But I love it, because I'm not.

Before I go to sleep every night... It's a damnsite more you than Tetris in my head. Though Tetris is quite prominent.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

An Open Letter That You Don't Have To Read.

I don't know if you have realised this, but I haven't called you 'Dad' for over a year now.
I also am a bit late in telling you pretty much everything that's going on in my life.
Well, here's the catchup.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the end of year nine. Two years ago, almost to the day. For six months before that, the longest I went without crying myself to sleep was three days. So I'd quite appreciate you not telling me that I don't know what depression is, that I don't know what it's like to not want to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. I do, more than any teenager really should, but I suppose there's a lot of us about now.
Today you told me that I'd become introverted in my teenage years. Why you notice things that aren't true- I've stood up to a you a damnsite more in the last six months than ever before- and you can't notice things like how I haven't felt any love for you for the past few years astounds me. How can one man be so oblivious to what he doesn't want to see?
You're constantly putting me and my gender down, telling me that I'm not strong enough physically or emotionally because I'm a female, telling me that being good at English is impractical and doesn't make me smart, and that I should be good at maths, telling me that I'll never be a lawyer, I'm not intelligent enough, an actress because I'm not good enough and I don't have the right connections. I already know I'm no good, but that doesn't mean I can't dream.
Dreams can be good for a person you know. It gives them hope.
Thanks for crushing mine.

And then you tell me that I'm not confident enough to succeed? Ever think that maybe, just maybe, you could have played a part in it? I used to be an optimistic, happy person. The only way to survive around you is at least temporarily convert to a cynical realist. Or a pessimist, if that's what you'd like to call it.

My change wasn't temporary.

Now, I don't actually believe there is much good in the world. Let alone good that can happen to me.
At the moment, I should be having what is the best time of my life. I am, really. But something is stopping me from enjoying it to its fullest. I'm constantly doubting myself and the people around me. I almost suspect a Truman Show-esque elaborate scheme, set up merely to fool me and provide entertainment to others.
What's a lie anymore?
I've become so filled with conspiracies that I don't know if I am one myself.
Fuck me, I just sound paranoid. But it's true.

It's not your fault.
It's my fault, it's the way I've adapted. Not just to you, to everything that's happened to me.
Doesn't mean I enjoy it.
Jus' sayin'.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

More people than I expected read that last post.
Since posting it, my mood has been steadily improving. I don't know whether it's been because of how lovely people are, or if it's because writing it let some of it out.
Now I'm almost happy.
I guess, to everyone who did read it, and acknowledged that they did, thank you.
The situation has actually worsened, but I'm refusing to let myself care, and it's a lot easier after that.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

This is what's up.

I've felt like crap since Tuesday night. People... a very small number... have only known since last night though. I feel bad not telling anyone why, but I'm not letting myself complain directly, so if people give a shit, they can read on here. If you don't, feel absolutely free to bugger off. I wouldn't read if I were you. All it is, is complaints.
The other day I was talking to a few friends, and I mentioned offhandedly that I haven't had a best friend since primary school.
For one, I think best friend is a silly label to place on people.
For two, I was completely, utterly, absolutely lying.
The reason my drama class has directly saved my life is a completely different one to the reason it has indirectly saved my life. Indirectly, it's because of a specific person that I met through drama. We started talking, we grew stupidly, amazingly close, the way only teenagers do. We fell in like, and he fell back out pretty quickly. I took a while longer, but eventually, I did too.
Before that, he was my best friend. I've only ever managed to connect with one other person at the same level I connected with him at. I don't care at all for the relationship part of our friendship, not at all. We could talk about anything and we had, and still have, so much in common.
I fucking miss him as a friend like hell though, and the thing is, I see him every fucking week.
After we broke up, we drifted apart. We tried to keep talking, but there wasn't anything there to talk about.
Every few months for the past year or so, we've had an emotional late night reconciliation over MSN. Perhaps he's read one of my blogs, which are generally depressive and whiny as fuck, perhaps I find out he's in a bit of a rut and needs someone just to talk to. So he'll start the conversation, because I won't ever start a conversation with him, not now.
So we'll talk, and we'll both promise to make more of an effort, and confess how much we miss each other, and then... the conversation will die, and nothing comes of it.
This time around on another blogging site, he was asking for questions, I asked how he was, and he tells me he isn't so great.
Mind you, I'm already feeling like crap, for no particular reason at all.
So I ask him why.
He doesn't respond for a while.
When he does it's on MSN, to say he won't post it on Tumblr.
Basically, he's starting to feel more alone than he ever has before, he's hopelessly in love with his best friend, who in turn doesn't speak to him more than about once a week, he hates everything, and everyone else seems to feel free to walk out of his life and replace him.
Now, he's describing exactly what I used to feel about a year ago, because of him. And when I was feeling it, he paid no attention to it whatsoever.
Then he says that he feels guilty, because he's a hypocrite, because he allowed himself to drift out of my life, and replaced me.
Which is completely fucking true, nothing could be closer. Two weeks after we broke up, he started dating his new best friend and probably would have left me for dead if it wasn't for my repeated attempts at conversation, to try and reconcile some of that fucking amazing friendship.
Which is somewhat the reason I barely start conversations anymore. Rejection after rejection tends to lead to not trying. With anyone.
But of course, I being who I am, say "No, no. Don't worry about it. Everyone's hypocritical. It was as much my fault as yours."
What I really want to say is more along the lines of "Okay, could you like, apologise instead of just saying how guilty you feel? Also, you pushed me away. There was no semblance of drifting."
I don't, won't, shan't, couldn't. I'm not that person. No matter how much I attract it, I avoid confrontation, except with my family, and when someone does something completely against my views.
My fucking god. I miss him. I don't know what the fuck I miss anymore.
Him as a person? No. Maybe. Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.
His friendship?
Yes, fucking definitely.
Oh, the conversation.
It ended up in nothing. No goodbye, just a couple of Be Right Back's on both sides and no further continuation.
My fault, probably.
And today, in drama? I made some attempts at conversation, I laughed at a few of his jokes and replied right back.
He stared straight through me.

Of fucking course he doesn't give a shit.
Should have figured that out a while ago.
What's caused my mood to be the worst in a while?
I've given up completely. Deleted him on MSN.
Finally accepted I'm never going to have one of the closest friends of my life back. A year and a half of trying means it's not worth it anymore.
I'm in tears.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Reality has finally hit me.

As in, I realise it's real. I still haven't really accepted it, but I know it is.
This year has been the best of my life. And these last two months or so have been the highlight of that. I don't think I've ever been as happy as some of the moments over them. If this is it, if something happens to me now, I won't mind as much. I know I've had the opportunity for the best times of my life, and I know that though it could probably get even better, I've been happy.

Still, I'd prefer it to continue than it to end.

Thank you so much.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I'm honestly worried right now. I've fallen. If anything happens, I've put my all into it. I'm going to absolutely shatter.
I'm putting my trust in a relationship. Funny, huh? I talk about them with disdain and all I do is scoff.

Hypocrite that I am.

Some sort of security, some sort of attachment. I need it. I've finally found it in something that I never would have expected.
I sound really warped at the moment, I must. Normal people don't worry about things like control. Nor do they worry about relationships, in the same way that I do.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

I came off the computer for about an hour. I got off, and even though I wasn't feeling anything overwhelmingly terrible, I cried for half an hour straight.
My tear ducts don't have a clue when they should operate.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Going to stop posting blogs as much. Only when other friends of mine who blog will I allow myself to. It's too much.


No clear intent behind opening this.

I'm going mad. Absolutely mad. I have no control over my thoughts at all.

Bad thing? If you'd faced me with that prospect a year or so ago, definitely. Now? No clue whatsoever.

So many things can change in a year.
My life has completely turned around since exactly two months ago. A good thing. I hope.

Today is the first Saturday since the beginning of the school year that I haven't actually done anything. Right now I'm sitting on my bed in my pyjamas, not even listening to music. I'm strangely entertained. Not bored at all.
Later I'll go for a bike ride. Perhaps bring my camera. I'm falling back in love with photography. I need it.

Heck, I'm starting to like life again.