Thursday, October 14, 2010

This is what's up.

I've felt like crap since Tuesday night. People... a very small number... have only known since last night though. I feel bad not telling anyone why, but I'm not letting myself complain directly, so if people give a shit, they can read on here. If you don't, feel absolutely free to bugger off. I wouldn't read if I were you. All it is, is complaints.
The other day I was talking to a few friends, and I mentioned offhandedly that I haven't had a best friend since primary school.
For one, I think best friend is a silly label to place on people.
For two, I was completely, utterly, absolutely lying.
The reason my drama class has directly saved my life is a completely different one to the reason it has indirectly saved my life. Indirectly, it's because of a specific person that I met through drama. We started talking, we grew stupidly, amazingly close, the way only teenagers do. We fell in like, and he fell back out pretty quickly. I took a while longer, but eventually, I did too.
Before that, he was my best friend. I've only ever managed to connect with one other person at the same level I connected with him at. I don't care at all for the relationship part of our friendship, not at all. We could talk about anything and we had, and still have, so much in common.
I fucking miss him as a friend like hell though, and the thing is, I see him every fucking week.
After we broke up, we drifted apart. We tried to keep talking, but there wasn't anything there to talk about.
Every few months for the past year or so, we've had an emotional late night reconciliation over MSN. Perhaps he's read one of my blogs, which are generally depressive and whiny as fuck, perhaps I find out he's in a bit of a rut and needs someone just to talk to. So he'll start the conversation, because I won't ever start a conversation with him, not now.
So we'll talk, and we'll both promise to make more of an effort, and confess how much we miss each other, and then... the conversation will die, and nothing comes of it.
This time around on another blogging site, he was asking for questions, I asked how he was, and he tells me he isn't so great.
Mind you, I'm already feeling like crap, for no particular reason at all.
So I ask him why.
He doesn't respond for a while.
When he does it's on MSN, to say he won't post it on Tumblr.
Basically, he's starting to feel more alone than he ever has before, he's hopelessly in love with his best friend, who in turn doesn't speak to him more than about once a week, he hates everything, and everyone else seems to feel free to walk out of his life and replace him.
Now, he's describing exactly what I used to feel about a year ago, because of him. And when I was feeling it, he paid no attention to it whatsoever.
Then he says that he feels guilty, because he's a hypocrite, because he allowed himself to drift out of my life, and replaced me.
Which is completely fucking true, nothing could be closer. Two weeks after we broke up, he started dating his new best friend and probably would have left me for dead if it wasn't for my repeated attempts at conversation, to try and reconcile some of that fucking amazing friendship.
Which is somewhat the reason I barely start conversations anymore. Rejection after rejection tends to lead to not trying. With anyone.
But of course, I being who I am, say "No, no. Don't worry about it. Everyone's hypocritical. It was as much my fault as yours."
What I really want to say is more along the lines of "Okay, could you like, apologise instead of just saying how guilty you feel? Also, you pushed me away. There was no semblance of drifting."
I don't, won't, shan't, couldn't. I'm not that person. No matter how much I attract it, I avoid confrontation, except with my family, and when someone does something completely against my views.
My fucking god. I miss him. I don't know what the fuck I miss anymore.
Him as a person? No. Maybe. Yes. No. Yes. Maybe.
His friendship?
Yes, fucking definitely.
Oh, the conversation.
It ended up in nothing. No goodbye, just a couple of Be Right Back's on both sides and no further continuation.
My fault, probably.
And today, in drama? I made some attempts at conversation, I laughed at a few of his jokes and replied right back.
He stared straight through me.

Of fucking course he doesn't give a shit.
Should have figured that out a while ago.
What's caused my mood to be the worst in a while?
I've given up completely. Deleted him on MSN.
Finally accepted I'm never going to have one of the closest friends of my life back. A year and a half of trying means it's not worth it anymore.
I'm in tears.

1 comment:

  1. People make a massive amount of lies to gain freinds. Take this as advice and don't waste your time on people who don't use their time for you.