Saturday, October 30, 2010

Great Expectations.

When I'm happy I can't write, I don't have anything to write about apart from gushing about how brilliant my life is, etcetera. So this post is going to try to avoid that, but I feel like writing, and I don't often write positive blogs.

I can't believe how happy I am.

I have bruises on my feet from jumping on the dance floor at the river cruise in high heels, I have a headache, the light is too bright, I didn't get enough sleep last night. But I have this massive grin that's just staying there, and it'd grow even wider if I was talking to/ I was with someone in particular.

I've never believed in love until this point. I thought "Hey, you're stuck with a decent enough person, might as well make the most of it and hope you come out alright."
Now I've fallen fast and so fucking hard. There hasn't been any ground coming to greet me though, and I don't know if there ever will be.
I'm in love. I hate to admit it. Teenage relationships? At any other point I would have said "bah!" and scoffed. Even with my last relationship.
It was friendship with a few benefits, and I mistakenly called it love.
And it's not just loving someone at the moment. I am in love. There is no way to describe it other than that. No way at all.
Two fucking months and I've fallen this far.
I'm going to make some really stupid decisions. This is all new to me. I'm anticipating that mistakes will be made and boundaries I've set will be broken.
I am so scared at the moment.
I've never ever cared for someone as much as I care for someone now. I'm actually letting myself imagine a sort of future ahead, which might be stupid, but I don't care. It's not going to be something I regret, no matter what happens.
I never thought it was possible to feel this much. I'm scared out of my wits that something will happen, something will wrench these feelings right out of my chest, because that's where I feel them. I know emotions belong in your brain, but these feelings live somewhere in my chest that isn't my heart. And if somehow something is ripped out of there, I will actually cave in, I will shrivel, and I won't be able to stay who I am. There will be a black hole there, and it will take the better part of me away, because these feelings are right in the middle, are the foundation of everything that is me at the moment. I'd have to be bloody strong to avoid being completely erased.
I sound incredibly corny, and stupid, and teenagerish.
I am incredibly corny, and stupid, and teenagerish.
Especially for keeping those feelings there. But that's where they're meant to stay.
This is the highest extent that trust can go to.
I am putting all of myself at risk.
I hope I don't hit the ground, so, so, so, so very much.

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