Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Control, well, it's slipping right through my hands. These days turned out nothing like I had planned...

So I'll see a text from you, and I'll smile a ridiculous amount and do a little bit of a happy shimmy from my shoulders.
I'll spend the day with you, lying in a park, or in one of our rooms, watching a movie or IT Crowd on a computer or just paying attention to each other and only each other.
We're letting each other become the centres of our respective worlds too quickly.
I've always lived by the belief that your world revolves around yourself, and nothing will change that, your life is always going to be the centre of your imagination, your thoughts. It's not true, it's not fucking true.

You are making me question so many of my convictions.
I'm fucking terrified.
Not of you, of the situation we've got ourselves into. I love you so fucking much.
I just don't know if that's a good thing for a teenager. I honestly don't know if I'm ready to have my beliefs rocked to the core.
I've never been attracted to anyone like you in my life. I thought I knew what I wanted. It's becoming apparent now that I don't. I don't think I ever will. Will you be a part of my ever? God knows.

I'm never going to make a promise about not leaving you that involves the words "never" "ever" or "always". People change. That's a key truth of life. You will change, I will change, our beliefs will change. Who knows. I might be gone before the end of the year, knowing my mental stability and how close I've come already. God, I hope not, but...
Maybe we'll change in a way that'll still be compatible. Maybe we'll change as a result of each other.
Feelings will change. For the better or worse, I don't know.

I don't have faith in much. It's going to take a damned lot to have complete faith in you.

Terrible mood, has been all day, which is part of the reason to me this afternoon wasn't as good as it could have been, and part of the reason most of my day was based on lies.
Bet no-one noticed.

This post made no sense.

Tears again.

One of the things I'd say that you don't know about me.
Control is one of the most important things in the world to me.
That's why I'm scared, that's why I don't give in to much, that's why I resist.

1 comment:

  1. Geez, I wish you'd just let your gaurd down so someone could just sit and talk to you, like the old days. Don't forget about other people around you, they were with you through the best and the worst of times. If you really love someone so much don't think it may not be a great idea, because it is! Take Care,Cya round. Put a smile on your dile. :)