Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I'm shivering insanely.

I'm stuck in the midst of a sea of pure life and I honestly think that merely two things are keeping me sane.
One is the reason I've been happier than I had been in over a year for the past week or so, overall. But it's also keeping me on the other side of sane as well. I cannot get it off my mind. I haven't been so paranoid or ecstatic or content or nervous or expectant or... There are just so many feelings, mostly positive, that are tied up in it.
It's hard not to fall when there isn't anything to grip onto. Falling is fantastic. Not looking forward to the end result, because unless it's a bottomless pit then I'm going to hit some form of ground.
Bloody realism getting in the way of my hopes.
The other is music.
But are they keeping me sane, or just grounded?
Dancing in front of my English class on the way to grab a dictionary is a little odd, especially when half of them have no respect for me to start off with. "That girl who gesticulates too often and can't keep still or quiet? Oh, her. No, I don't really care that much for her."
So is singing at the top of my lungs, though I don't have a voice to speak of. So is dancing delicately when you are not a delicate person, physically.
I'm in a really odd mood at the moment.
I want to just curl up, either with someone to watch a movie, or with a book to... well, read. Then I want to sleep, and not wake up.
I feel like I should be lasting forever, that this moment won't end...

I'd pay someone to come and organise my thoughts.

Monday, August 30, 2010

I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.
I don't know what love is, I'm a teenager.

Then why the hell does it feel like I do?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Annnd back down again.

Great, fucking great. Love this so much.
I've been up and down so much over the past three days, I think I'm starting to lose my mind. Or it's already lost and somehow I'm retaining some semblance of sanity.
For Christ's sake.
My father has such a monopoly on my feelings. Whatever mood I'm in, he has the power to turn it on its head. I was like I was yesterday, happy and bouyant, until about quarter past ten this morning. Then he called to say that he'd be dropping a laptop charger off, because mine is broken and he'd ordered one in. He also asked me to ask my younger brother if he was doing anything, if he wanted to earn some extra money cleaning his gutters today. My brother was still in bed, and as soon as he heard that he'd have to get ready in 10/15 minutes there was a flat out no. My father went huffy, started swearing, then hung up the phone. About 20 minutes later, he pulls up in the driveway, hands me my laptop charger, tells me my brother is a lazy fuck, and starts to pull away. I say sorry. He stops, has a full on one-sided yelling match at me through the open window of the car. I stand there, just fucking nodding and apologising. He ends up pulling away from the curb violently and drives off.
What the hell am I meant to fucking do about it?
I go into the house, and tell my brother that dad will be mad at him tonight. He asks why. I quote dad. "You're a lazy fuck." Letting him know that it was dad that said it.
"Fucking hell Brittany! What the hell else can I do, I can't get fucking ready in ten minutes!"
Why are you swearing at me, why are you yelling at me, why the fuck is this my fault now?
I tell him that he could probably remedy it by getting ready, calling dad, explaining he couldn't have in that short an amount of time and asking if he wants him to come over now.
"No, why the fuck do I want to help someone who calls me a lazy fuck? I'm fucking sick of him."

I cannot fucking believe my brother sometimes.
I blew up.
"Look, it's not just you it's going to impact negatively on. He's going to be in a fucking bad mood with me and, oh, don't forget you have another sister too, because he can't just round on one person, especially when that one person he's rounding on just sticks his iPod in his ears and is oblivious to the fucking world around him! I cop the fucking brunt, you know it, that forced me into fucking depression for a fucking year and half. Look, I think I have a lot more reason to be sick of him than you do, yet I still go to his house, I still am perfectly fucking civil to him even though I want to kill him. He asks you to do one bit of work, you refuse, he has a go at me about it, and you tell me you're fucking sick of him? I'm fucking sick of having a brother who doesn't acknowledge that other people fucking exist and that they have fucking feelings too."
Tears are streaming down my fucking face.

You know what he replies? He replies "You're just fucking weak."

I fucking hate my father for making me so fucking weak.

No, I hate myself for making myself so fucking weak. It's my fault.

Why the fuck can't I deal with this?

Excessive swearing.
Oh fucking well, deal with it.

Friday, August 27, 2010

For once, I feel like a proper teenager.

I mean I have my worries, but they're fickle and silly as compared to usual. It's odd how much one thing can increase and decrease your mood so much.
I'm actually giddy, and I feel lightheaded and lightweight, as if I might float off. For the moment, my smile is staying put on my face and it doesn't really want to shift. I like that, a lot.
I keep getting the feeling that you get before you hope something good might happen, like, a clenching of something in your ribs. It's the feeling that if it gets let down, then so do you, you end up deflated. But I'm just coasting along, getting higher and higher gradually, because every time I clench, my hopes get rewarded, and I get filled even more with air, or whatever it is that is keeping me bouyant.
A couple of days ago... heck, early today, I was pretty freaking down, again, without knowing why. Now, honestly, I'm pretty much skimming the floor with my feet when I walk and staying in the air more than seems humanly possible. Filled with pure energy.

I'm staying up to watch the moon and Mars tonight.
Something else miraculous.

Thanks for reading and stuffs.

You guys who read are pretty cool.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I want it to rain.

Don't read this.

Just need to get it out.

I want it to pour. I want to go outside in a black singlet, skinny jeans, bare feet, onto the oval ouside my house. I want to stand there and scream. I want to cry without tears. I want to sit in the rain for hours.

No more. Really. Whatever the fuck is stuffing around with my mood, I'd appreciate it stopping now. I'm meant to be fucking happy. I AM FUCKING HAPPY.
No, no, that's a lie. I was fucking happy, and for some reason, today has changed that. I'm doing something wrong, again. I don't even know what this time.
I can't... help myself, I can't help anyone else.
Not sleeping tonight. Not going to be able to and I don't want to, so I'm not going to try.


You didn't need to know.
You didn't need to read either.
Just go back to not worrying. =].

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Brittany is a silly.

I opened this intending to write, and write I shall.
I am currently in the midst of the 40 hour famine. I'm going without food and furniture. Earlier today I went to see a movie, and I watched it from the floor in the back of the cinema with a really good friend of mine. It was the most interesting experience I've ever had with strangers. I mean, I've sat down in the back of a lift and watched people walk in, but this was even more amusing and thought-provoking. I've never received so many odd looks.

And it was actually a fantastic day, for me at least. We hung around in a music store, me dancing and him bewildered but entertained. We trawled through the shops and sculled cheap bottles of creaming soda for the movie attendant.

I fell slightly more than I already have.

Now though? I'm... completely and utterly depressed again, I don't even know why.
I feel so bloody empathic towards people. It's not a good thing.

I don't know. It could be not having food, or some silly imbalance like that. I mean, I feel lethargic as well. Maybe by 5 tomorrow this will be over, and I'll be back to normal.

I'm incredibly worried. I can't think straight, let alone write the four page essay I have due in two days.

I'm crying.

Argh. Stupid person I am.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I'm giving up on the day thing.

Because I really cannot be bothered and writing them will bore me.
Yes, I am terrible at sticking to resolutions.

I really don't know what to write anymore.

I don't want people to worry about me, and I don't want to constantly complain, so that restricts a lot of what I can write.

I suppose at the moment that isn't an excuse. I'm happier than I have been for at least the past six months, and I'm not even sure why. I suppose talking to people is always a good thing. And I'm finally, finally, finally over a person that I should have been over a year ago, despite the whole having-a-boyfriend in between. It's the first time since the beginning of May 2009 that I can honestly say that, and it's such a weight off my shoulders.
I've also recently acquired a job, something I've been meaning to do since I turned fourteen. I'm now fifteen, and it's only four months until I'm sixteen.

I finally feel like I'm connecting with people again. I don't tell people half of what I'm going through, true, or my emotions or ideas or anything, but I can talk to some people for three hours a night and not be bored. Well, one person, but I'm starting to start conversations which is something I stopped for about four months.

It's hard to right when nothing is wrong.

That was meant to be a pun but it looks like a spelling mistake.

Yeah. I'm cool, and you care about silly life updates like this.

Do have fun.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

So a lot has changed.

I'm single, I'm a little angry, and I'm as confused as I ever could be. I might be falling for someone, this soon. And I'm someone who professes not to have a need for a relationship.
I'm also very worried about the person I hope I don't have feelings for.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

This is going to be the most beautiful breakup.

Mutual understanding. Finality. Friendship.
Mutual mutual mutual.
Bloody hell. I’m actually looking forward to this.
It doesn’t look like messy emotions will get in the way.
This is why I loved him. This is why I’m still going to love him, but as a friend.
And he understands, he understands, he understands.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

I'm going a lot slower lately. No-one reads and they're getting harder as they go along.
I'm just going to cheat with this one.
I'm fifteen. I shouldn't have had my heart broken. I barely know what love is, apart from the silly thing that they call puppy love.
I'm not going to discuss it futher, else I will sound like a whiny brat.

Thanks for reading.
Or not reading.