Saturday, July 31, 2010

Forget me. For Christ's sake, it will make it so much easier for everyone.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

You know, I can imagine it.

A couple of people loudly sniffing in assembly, wiping tears from their eyes even though they didn't care.
The real people affected silently stony, or not there at all.
"We want to let them know we are here for them, and we will support them. If you wish to contact them, notify the school chaplain and they will get you in touch."
"Any of you that are strongly affected by this, who need to talk, I want to remind you that the school chaplain and myself are always available for appointments. We understand this must be a stressful time for some of you, made all the worse with the pressure put upon you by the school."
People switching hands when one gets too tired to lean on. Whispering "How long until this ends?" Uncomfortably coughing.

My brother walking through school for the first time with stares collected on the back of his neck.

I wonder if it would change him. I wonder if it would change anyone.

Months down the track.
"This play is dedicated to a three year student of the academy. It touches an issue close to our hearts. She passed away on..."

It doesn't matter anymore.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad.

Drowned Wednesday it is then.

Good and bad.
Good because I recently rediscovered something. Bad because he's back and booming with the girl he's loved for a year and a half. Funnily enough, that's the amount of time that it's been since we've broken up.
I cannot seem to stop obsessing over him. I think I should quit drama, just to distance myself from him.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be.

I don't want to be any specific person. I'd like to take qualities from people though. I'm not happy in myself; haven't been for the past three years.
Last night I finally discussed the depression which I say I moved on from a year ago. It seems as though I've not moved on entirely. I can cope, and that is really all that matters.
Beneath everyone there is something that they want to hide.

The person I want to be? Someone who doesn't hide every single emotion they feel. I'm slowly learning to trust one person in my life. It's been seven months though, and I can't surrender all emotion, and I still can't stop myself from lying to him. White lies, but they're still lies, and I abhor myself for it.
I want to be able to start conversations and to give and receive compliments. I want to be able to admit that I'm not okay. I want to speak my mind. I want to be someone people look at and admire, not necessarily because of looks, but because of confidence, even if it's false.
I'm loud and laughing most of the time, and I try to fill up silences with my voice because I've grown to be uncomfortable with silence among others. I can't be silent with myself, either. There's got to be sobbing, or laughing, or fingers hitting the keyboard, or pens scratching paper, or music, or voices filling up the silence. I don't give myself a chance to be alone with my thoughts; I've even remedied the silence before falling asleep by listening to music.
I want to be almost everything I'm not. The only thing I can honestly say I like about myself is my individuality. And I don't even admire the things that make me an individual.

Depressing blog. They're allowed sometimes, aren't they?

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood. /Number 05 - A picture of your morning

Writing blogs to people who don't read them is at best, unsatisfying.

What was my childhood? Legally, I'm still a minor, still a child. I could write the blog to anyone in my life.
But I won't. Because I'm not in the mood for loopholes, and I'm not going to use one.
But there was never anyone who specifically stood out to me. I mean, sure, parents, but I've addressed them in depth already, and it'd end up being a blog on innocence.

I might just say goodbye childhood, because it was one filled with non-significance, and I spent the lunchtimes of it gathering gumnuts into piles.
I don't think I can address it to a gumnut.

This is my morning. Bed, laptop, Scrubs, and How To Train Your Dragon.
I have an excuse- I've been sick today. A bad sick too. Upheaving what looks like black water from your digestive system is slightly unusual, I'd say.

Thanks for reading. Especially that last part, 'cause I just tossed that in for an illogical interest spike, no matter how much you didn't need to know it.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Words are fucking inadequate.

I love them more than anything, but occasionally they dry up in my mouth. There is never a word for everything, and there’s no way you can express feelings through them. I mean, people use a thousand different types of gestures to express one emotion, even while speaking. How do people expect to get a mixture of emotions through in a mere sentence?

Every time I try comforting a friend, someone who is going through a hard time, or heck, just needs someone to listen, I can not say a fucking thing but “I’m sorry” or “Is there anything I can do to help?”. I am a taped recording, an answering message for a fix-it company. Or “I’m always here if you need to talk.” They know that. I hope they do.
But there’s only so many times you can say sorry before it loses meaning. There’s only so many times you can offer an ear but not a hand.
I can’t do anything but listen. I’m thinking towards them as hard as I can. Don’t be so harsh on yourself! There are so many people who/I really/all of the above care about you. I’d do anything to see you smile. Anything, anything at all, just name it. Please. Talk to me, explain everything. Just let me bear some of that. But it doesn’t count. There’s emotions of anger, regret, bitterness, all for them, all channelled through myself to end up… nowhere.
No-one really classifies me as the type of friend they’d go to first if they need help. I don’t blame them.
I’m not even sure anymore if I’m a good friend to anyone.
I’m just here, and I guess I’m happy enough with that.
But when they need help, I desperately want to show them exactly how I feel.
Then they’ll see that it’s not anything more than an attempt to be a friend.
I can’t say what I need to say. I want to be there for them, but I don’t want to be too pushy in being there for them.
I can’t hold a conversation anymore.
I can’t even get what I want to say across here.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country.

I'm back from Bali. Have been for the past... oh, thirty hours or so.
I will do a travel based blog.
I just don't feel up to it, and I fear I'll rant at the moment.
For now I'll stick to the day posts.

I've just been out of the country for the first time, and I've been out of state before, so I could be clever and address it to myself in the past.

But I wouldn't be able to say anything on Day 30.

I know a limited amount of people that don't live in my state, so the logical choice would be to direct this post towards the direction of someone who was like a sister to me- she lived with me for a month, so that is understandable.

She was naturally what looked likea bleached blonde, and my first impression of her was "Shit, I'm gonna have to live with a bimbo for a month?"
Which therefore means that yes, I do judge people by their first impressions, surprise surprise. But doesn't everyone?
I changed my judgement pretty quickly.

She was silly. So is everyone.
She is funny. Something I lack.
She was different. Somthing I admire.

I miss her a lot. Not as much as the top three people.
But enough.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Balinese internet might scare me.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be blogging much more.
This week, at least.
Today, at around 2PM, my flight for Bali leaves. It's my first trip overseas, though I'm not as excited for it as I could be.
I'm not sure if I'll have access to the internet up there.
So farewell for now.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from.

I seem to be the only one doing these at the moment. I'm not bothered. My writing is getting worse and worse, but I enjoy it... it's everyone else's choice to read.

There are many people I've drifted away from, and this is not going to be Drowned Wednesday, though there's something relating to it I wish to discuss quite badly.

But there at least one person I've drifted away from, other than Mr. Kingdom, that really hurts. I used to consider a girl I still know as an extremely close friend- she's among the three I miss the most, in my Grim Tuesday post.
She's intelligent, funny, thoughtful, appreciates good music- or what is good music to me- and despite what she believes, she's got a lot to offer.
It's a shame really. Everyone I know who has a terrible opinion of theirselves is really kind of amazing.
I think that sentence was very grammatically incorrect, but I honestly can not be bothered to nitpick at the moment.
I didn't even know her for the first year of high school, which is regrettable.
I'm not even sure how we came to be friends, other than that she sat with the group I started sitting with halfway through year nine. I don't know if it was exchange of email addresses, or MSN...
I have a terrible memory.
I just remember us being friends.
We definitely still speak, almost daily. I haven't had a proper conversation with her for a while though.
I have trouble with one and one conversations while there are other distractions going on. And I haven't had the oppurtunity for that with anyone for yonks.
I'm beginning to think that the only blockade to unlocking a lot of friendships is patience and effort.
I'mgoing to start trying.