I don't want to be any specific person. I'd like to take qualities from people though. I'm not happy in myself; haven't been for the past three years.
Last night I finally discussed the depression which I say I moved on from a year ago. It seems as though I've not moved on entirely. I can cope, and that is really all that matters.
Beneath everyone there is something that they want to hide.
The person I want to be? Someone who doesn't hide every single emotion they feel. I'm slowly learning to trust one person in my life. It's been seven months though, and I can't surrender all emotion, and I still can't stop myself from lying to him. White lies, but they're still lies, and I abhor myself for it.
I want to be able to start conversations and to give and receive compliments. I want to be able to admit that I'm not okay. I want to speak my mind. I want to be someone people look at and admire, not necessarily because of looks, but because of confidence, even if it's false.
I'm loud and laughing most of the time, and I try to fill up silences with my voice because I've grown to be uncomfortable with silence among others. I can't be silent with myself, either. There's got to be sobbing, or laughing, or fingers hitting the keyboard, or pens scratching paper, or music, or voices filling up the silence. I don't give myself a chance to be alone with my thoughts; I've even remedied the silence before falling asleep by listening to music.
I want to be almost everything I'm not. The only thing I can honestly say I like about myself is my individuality. And I don't even admire the things that make me an individual.
Depressing blog. They're allowed sometimes, aren't they?