Just a Touch of Human

FUCKING HELL BRITTANY ARE YOU TRYING TO CHASE PEOPLE AWAY FROM YOU?

You want to know the answer? Do you really fucking want to know the answer?
It's yes.
Yes.
Because you hope it'll make it easier for everyone in the eventuality that you go. No, eventuality is pessimistic. The possibility. The possibility that you go.
You are losing friends purposefully. But you can't tell them to their face. They've got to make the decision, you're trying to help them along. Because apparently you know what will be the right decision. You know what will hurt them the least.
You can judge people, you pessimistic manipulative bitch, but you can't judge a persons emotions. Or thoughts. You think they aren't going to figure out that you're making yourself a bitch, making yourself blunt and honest and forthright, but painfully so? Do you think they aren't going to notice you pushing yourself away? Do you think they'll notice the flood of negative emotion streaming from you?
They'll know.
If you survive this year, if you get through the shithole of emotions and friends and people that is school, if you get onto uni, maybe you will have a chance. You might change your whole outlook on life.
But pushing everyone away isn't going to fucking change that. You need people to help you fucking cope.
Or do you think you can do it on your own?
That's what you're trying to convince yourself. You're fucking weak Brittany. You're the weakest person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. And fuck me, I happen to fall into the path of living your life. You can't do it yourself.
Do you want to die?
You refuse your friends, you refuse your mother, you refuse your boyfriend (fucking hell that WORD), you refuse a doctor you refuse a counsellor yourefuseafuckingtrainedprofessionalpsychologist. Do you want to cause people pain?
No, but you believe you're worthless, you believe it's the only way out. You aren't worthless. Either that, or you're a liar and a hypocrite. How many people have you assured of their self worth? How many people have you comforted?
You've saved more than one person from what you're thinking about, yet you choose to perhaps do what you've persuaded them against? You choose to believe you're worthless, despite the fact that you've told them that everyone has worth?

At the moment you're spending every night and most mornings thinking about it. You lie in bed and almost miss the bus because you're thinking about timing. Night, morning? You figured out how you would do it. You figured that out a while ago. Last August. But you didn't go through with it, because you're a coward. This time though, you think you're breaking. The  down periods are coming often and with little interval. Don't you want to save yourself? At least try.

Brittany, every teenager has been a burden to their mother. Maybe not in quite the way you have. Every teenager has had negative impact on life, unless you're Mother Theresa in disguise, and  I'm sure she stepped on a few ants.
You've helped save people's fucking lives, you've been told more than once. Isn't that redemption enough? Doesn't that show you're worth something?
You're never going to believe that though. Because the negative side of you is always going to win. And if the positive side of you believes half the things the negative side of you does, you're screwed.
Do one thing for me though? Get through this year. Just try. Things could get better.

Then again they could always get worse.
If they get much worse then away you go.