Sunday, June 19, 2011

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to everyone I've lied to.
I'm not okay, I'm really not.
If you have found that out, then you would have been one of the few to find out the truth. It doesn't matter. It doesn't actually matter that I'm not okay, that I haven't been for years. Three times in the past 4 years I've actually been happy. Once, a day out with a best friend I've now lost. Another time, falling for Joe, and the next while that followed lost in love. That lasted a long time. Until late February this year. Then over the last exam break. 5 days in a row with him. Fucking Christ, I love him. More than anything in this world, though that's not saying much. I don't feel an attachment to much in the world anymore. Everyone either wants me gone or doesn't give a shit. I don't have anything to offer the world. I've failed like, half my exams- I want to be a fucking English teacher, and I failed my English exam? What the fuck,  like, honestly? I want to teach drama, and I can't act for shit. I can't do anything for shit, actually. What's the fucking point in being around if there's nothing I can do to help the world, or anyone?
I lie to my friends. I lie, I lie, I lie, and I still consider myself a friend of theirs? I don't deserve friendship. I don't deserve anyone.
Everyone is so fucking supportive. I love them to bits, but I'm fucking sick of it. I shouldn't be treated differently to anyone else just because I have a bit of a mental condition.
Mum. Mum, I'm sorry. I don't mean this.. I don't want to hurt you. I couldn't talk to you, I couldn't let you worry. I know this is going to hurt, I know you're going to be scared as fuck. I can't do anything else. I'm sorry. Shit mum, I love you. You're the best person anyone could have wished for to be a parent.
Dad? Fuck you. I love you, I think, but because of you I don't have any confidence whatever in myself. I've gotten shut down everytime I've tried and thought to have succeeded. I could have done better. Always could have done better. Your depression is worse than mine, you're all alone in that big old house, I'm a girl going through hormones? I'm alone in my mind dad, and I don't know about you, but I don't think a teenager should feel like this. If you fucking touch mum I hope you fucking die with a rake embedded in your throat.
She hasn't fucking made my depression by splitting up the household, I would have been dead long ago if I'd still been living with you. She has not done anything to cause this, she's got me to see counsellors and psychologists and psychiatrists and she's TRIED to HELP. The only person whose caused this is me. Don't fucking touch her, and don't fucking touch the other kids.
Joe. God Joe Joe Joe. I didn't think love was anything to envy, but shit. I don't think it's even possible to feel this much for another person. but I do. I'd do anything for you. There's nothing. Two weeks before we started going out I tried to kill myself. A week after I was going to again. You kept me off that. Finally I actually believe that yeah, you love me as much as I love you. And I want to stay. If you were the only thing in my life, I'd stay. I'd stay, I'd stay, I'd stay.

I can't write anymore.
Everyone, thankyou.
I'm so sorry.

No comments:

Post a Comment