Monday, June 6, 2011

What is messing with me? This last... while, the days I've been fine, but the evenings and nights after about 6PM I turn completely sour. I assume every silence, every gap is a result of my inability to communicate, any voice raised a fraction is because I'm an irresponsible, selfish idiot and I deserve everything they dish out against me, and worse. I overreact; case in point last Wednesday night. I turn against everyone I talk to, in a hope they'll see just how bad a person I am, that they'll grow frustrated at me and want to hit me every time I say something. Because that's what I feel. I want to break myself, I want to make myself weak and dishonourable. I don't want to honour promises, and sometimes I make promises just for trying to make myself break them. I want to make myself into even more of a bad person. I want to be hated by everyone I talk to, I want to let go of this world and any attachments I have in it. I want to be abused, I want to sink to the lowest levels I can in every way. I love too much to do that... and so I need to make people hate me, so they know what's best for them... I don't know. I need someone. I need to stop. But I need to carry on. Shit, shit, fuck. Someone smash me against the wall, break all the bones in my body, crack my skull and leave me bleeding on the floor. Leave me comatose. That's the only kind of life I'd be any good at.

Seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow... For fuck's sake, why is anyone even fucking bothering.

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