Thursday, June 16, 2011

There's a couple of things I need to change.

1. I will not let my depression be an excuse for anything. I'm a high school student. I'm in my final year. Of course I'm going to have a high workload. Don't blame your depression that you can't deal with that Brittany, it's your laziness, your high level of procrastination, and your distraction by emotions. Everyone deals with it, don't let yourself become a victim just because you've got a bit of a mental tiff that you should be able to deal with anyway. You're seeing someone for it, what more do you want?

2. I need to stop staying up. I don't care if you won't sleep, you don't know if you can't try. It probably has a negative impact on your mood, even if the bad nights it's worse if you don't do it intentionally. Just wait until a good night. They've been infrequent recently, but one will come, you know it will. Then you will let yourself go to sleep, or at least you will try, before 11:30.

3. You need to stop succumbing to nights. There is nothing that makes them any worse than the days; you're just weak. Keep yourself occupied. Talk to people. Don't be negative in your talking either. All it does is give you an oddly warped sense of satisfaction and makes them feel as shit as you do.

4. Treat people a damn of a hell of a lot better. They deserve it. You don't. They're supporting you and helping you through this, even if you don't want to be helped. They deserve some gratitude. Stop telling them what their motivations are, and maybe then you'll start believing it too. People aren't in it for the listener, the person who'll stick up for them, the companionship, or sexual gratification, in the case of one person. They're in it for you. You don't believe any of this, even as you're writing it. But hey, use your negativity to your own advantage for once. You're crap at it all, so why would they be seeking it from you? If you can't believe that your logic doesn't make sense.

This is all shit self talk.
You're a shit person, what do you expect?
Jesus. I don't think my eyes have learnt what the idea of stopping crying is.

What the hell.. Everything was going so well, and this week it's been spear tackled.

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