That feeling.
Warmth and safety, but hurt and distance created by emotional instability.
The only reason I've stayed this long is that feeling.
It's getting to the point where a day without you brings death closer. This dependency, this fundamental need to be with you is getting to the point I have no control of it anymore. Every other day I feel dwarfed by everything. This depression makes me feel so small, and I don't know how to face anything that lies ahead. I really don't. I'm legitimately looking into options for repeating my final year of school- for anyone who knows me, that's a humongous deal. I've always tried to be really focused on schoolwork, but lately it's completely slipped away from me. I failed two of my exams, and I've had more than one breakdown at school in the last month. I mean, it's good, that teachers know now, that things are being done, but it's too late. I feel like I'm being twisted, you know, wringed out. I'm constantly getting that tight feeling in my chest, throughout my whole body.
The parent interview day, my Literature teacher gave me an essay to do I'd missed out on over the holidays, with my mums supervision. I've tried to do it twice so far; both times I've broken. I've started to go through information about the book I'm studying, discuss how it applies to the general gist of the essay question... And no, I start crying. I feel as though everything I try is going to crash.
And these last few days have maybe been a chance at being happy. Or putting up a temporary happiness. And shit, now with the thought of being away from you for two days- two fucking days, how pathetic- I'm already anticipating sliding back into that pit. It's a constant fucking battle.

But you know, I'm seeing a psychologist, I have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday, I might be prescribed medication, I might actually be helped.
For now I'm just holding on. But fuck, it'd be so much easier with you.

my chest feels like it's caving in on itself.
all the little things are adding up and it's been two fucking days since I started feeling okay.
just why.

sorry sorry sorry
only thing coming out of conversation nowadays huh.
well it's my fault to start with. i'm just gonna stop going on msn, no good ever comes of it. delete it off the computer.
no msn, no credit on phone, nothing that means I'm just gonna make people miserable.
doesn't matter when people don't talk to me anyway. they can't be assed so i won't even try.

I want to get something to make me smile..

Love is as natural as breathing.

I feel like the most pathetically reliant person on this earth.
Yesterday was my heaven. If there's anywhere that exists after we die for the good... I won't be sent there, but if there was and I was good, I'd be where I was yesterday. Not literally, but in the same place mentally with the same person physically. Not overwhelmingly bouncing-off-the-walls happy, but just completely at peace and content.
It's moments like that I live for. Feeling safe and contained within the room of life. The ceiling has never been there, and there's usually a wall or two that's fallen down, and I'm in leaning on one that's in a bad state of disrepair. You renovate that room, or give the illusion of renovating it and I can feel that for as long as my mind is contented with me being content for.
Just talking, and looking into your eyes, and seeing you reflecting the selfsame satisfaction and contentedness that I felt, and holding your body while you held mine. I felt so attached to you then. There's so much that can be said for physicality. Just being able to see you, and hold you, and feel your heart beating and know that my life is in safe hands for another day or so because I can remember that feeling and I want to live for it. And then curled up on a chair that wasn't built for two people. My head on your chest and legs across yours, watching a film that made complete and absolute sense to me and felt so right for the headspace I was in.

I'm in love. If we ever end, and when I'm middle aged I tell a 16 year old that they don't know what love feels like, someone kill me. Because this is the absolute strongest depth of emotion I've ever felt, and for it to beat suicide, or at least fight a very strong battle against it, means it is a lot. And maybe adolescent love is different to middle aged love, but you know, I can't imagine so. You can't give them the same name and call it a homophone. And who knows, maybe I'll be breathing to the world and still loving with each breath I give, and maybe I'll come home to you at night, or you'll come home to me, and maybe we'll stay the centre of each others worlds forever.

I'm not corny, be quiet.

I really don't like being in a good mood. Because after I experience it for long enough, I crash, and the crash is always more than what I expect, and it happens over the course of about 10 minutes. And it means, if I've had it over the day, then I can't sleep all night. Meaning none will happen tonight.
I'm going to do it this time.