Friday, July 1, 2011

I really don't like being in a good mood. Because after I experience it for long enough, I crash, and the crash is always more than what I expect, and it happens over the course of about 10 minutes. And it means, if I've had it over the day, then I can't sleep all night. Meaning none will happen tonight.
I'm going to do it this time.
I am jumping to paranoid and suspicious conclusions about everything, and it really can't be healthy for us. I mean, I love you like hell... And I don't think it's possible to be in love with someone as worthless as me. If there's nothing about me to like, you can't like me. And there isn't. I'm ugly, chubby, depressed, accusatory, too outspoken, too thoughtful, and a mess.
And just stupid petty things- I was jealous of two girls before we started dating, I always wondered about the honesty of anything you told me before we went out. I mean, you used to say "I'm going out" late at night when you were talking, and as soon as we started dating you weren't going anywhere because you couldn't. I don't know if it was to impress me or others in the conversation- far more likely, you only settled for me because I was second best, probably third, but you couldn't get two of them. The amount of times I've said I'm coming or more often I want you here and you're not allowed- I don't know, I'm thinking of all those times when I know you lied when you say some other night or something. It'll never happen, I know it won't, I'm not that deluded. Promises don't count for shit when there's bad consequences for carrying them out. One of these nights I'll kill myself without even asking for you to come so I don't, because there's no point when the answer is no. Always no. Either that or we'll break up before that.
I don't think you realise that every single time I've said "I wish you were here", or directly asked you to come, there are two things on my mind. You or suicide. That's what it's become a choice of. and I know I'm asking almost every night nowadays, but that's what it's become...
I won't have one person bearing that responsibility. It's not fair on you. And I seem to have distanced myself from all my friends without making new ones, because I was growing away from the old and I won't let myself grow towards the new when the possibility of hurting them is way too high for me to take it. So it's not like I've got a choice of making other friends, because unless I do it in one large clump I'll feel too guilty for making friends and I'll retract any form of friendship I've offered so I don't hurt them.
I don't fully believe Jayde and what you'd told me about her because I'd questioned things in your story as being too coincidental or unlikely to happen- the fact that it changed after a certain point, the police at your door, the twin. That's when I'm in a really cynical mood, but a lot of the time I find out that the things I assume in cynical moods turn out to be the case.
And then just general shit. Our conversations consist of I miss you and I love you and looking forward to seeing me again and looking forward to seeing you again and you playing cod and being too busy to talk and me waiting for a while and realising you probably would prefer to play cod than talk, so I get stroppy and go offline. It's the formula now.
If I'm being really negative, I'll feel somewhat validated if you back me up. And you've stopped that recently. It's me being unreasonable, I mean, I shouldn't expect that given how often I'm down. If you at least try then I feel as if maybe I'm worth something. But you've given up, because I fight back, and with my stubbornness and my tendency to win arguments I end up, well, winning.. I can understand that the majority of the time you're thinking what's the point. But you know... lack of effort annoys me, and when there's even a lack of effort when I say I want to break up with you.. Is it really worth it? You don't seem like you do love me, even if you do cry when I talk about suicide as a real and serious option, and more than an option, a probability, it's probably only because you consider me a good friend, or that you've spent so much time with me you've forgotten what not spending time with me would be like. I don't think you actually care, other than that you'd be without someone who loves you and someone who's a friend to you. Not a significant other, not a tangible form of romantic relationship, because I am insignificant, I am the last person someone would be romantically interested in.
If you've lied before- I don't actually think you've lied recently, other than loving me- but if you've lied before then you can lie again. And I trust you not to.. I mean, I love you. I really honestly do. I'd die for you, heck, I'm living for you now. Or almost. You're the thickest thread holding me on at the moment, when there used to be a whole rope. And I'm just stretching that tighter and tighter.
I've probably been cynical and offensive enough in this that you'll break up with me rather than me expending effort on something that's only going to hurt me more in the long run. I'm sure it won't hurt you.
Come on. Do it or I will.
I never wanted to break up with you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, no joke. But if the rest of my life is a few days, a week, maybe a month or two... I don't think I should.
This whole post is probably just me being a hormonal shitty girl.

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