Monday, August 1, 2011

I exist.

I exist as a human being.
I exist physically. I am an almost physically developed and matured female, perhaps not in the psychosocial sense of the word, but physically. My body is ready for the situations it may be given, though my mind is not.
I exist sexually. I am aware of how people use their body according to needs and desires. I know the power one can have, being in control of their own body, I know the disempowerment one can suffer when difficult or negative choices are made in regards to it. I'm responsible for my sexual self and I'll take full responsibility for anything that happens as a result.
I exist mentally. I'm fully aware of my mental processes and know that I, like most others, possess the capability for intelligence and am attempting to utilise it. However, part of my psyche involves not existing to my full capacity due to the effects my negativity has on my mental capabilities. And I'm trying to change that.
I exist emotionally. I am touched by sadness and love and anger, I react with them explosively, not accordingly. And one can't erase their reactions, nor can they predict, or to an extent, control their actions. And my actions, reactions, and emotions are once again prompting me towards one specific action, though I feel more determined to sway the other way than I used to be.

But I don't exist fully. I don't know who I am. I don't let myself exist. And when other people don't recognise that I do it makes it more difficult.

I was prescribed anti-depressants today. I begin them tomorrow. I can't persuade myself to have hope for them.

1 comment:

  1. Good luck with the anti-depressants. I hope it will do you good and show good results.