Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Don't even know what the point of writing this was.

The first time I ever performed anything, I knew I'd fallen in love.
It was year five. We had to research a musician from a previous decade, and improvise a way of presenting our information to the class. I got given Jerry Lee Lewis, and did it in the form of an interview. Wrote it and everything, because back when I was younger, a day I didn't try my absolute best in schoolwork was a day left unlived. I memorised it all, my partner read it off the sheet. Still, something that day just clicked, and since then I've tried to become as involved as possible with acting. So much so that I've integrated it into real life pretty heavily. Now I can't always tell the difference between reality and the emotions I put on, and situations I'm in confuse the hell out of me.
Maybe throwing all of your self into something like that isn't such a good idea. I don't care though. It's a huge passion I have, and I know I'm okay at it, which is more than I can say for most other things other people feel a passion for.
I've been involved in a drama class outside of school for coming up to three years now. Twice it's saved my life, three times if you count indirectly.
It's one of the only constants I know.
At the moment, we're working on a play about suicide. When we first started it, I was pretty close to it myself.
There were two things that brought me out of that.
One of them was drama.
I remember the first time we actually sat and talked about suicide and its repercussions. We can't exactly avoid the subject if we're doing a play on it.
A couple of girls in my class brought up something called PostSecret. Someone had posted on this website, anonymously, that they was going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. An overwhelming number of people rose up and formed a group against it.
I don't even know why it affected me so much., I mean, it is touching and all, but I've heard so many stories like it... Nevertheless, I started to cry, and couldn't stop for the whole lesson. I told my teacher it was because one of my close friends had attempted it recently, which was true enough, but more it was because I was planning to. I'd actually set it all out, made sure no ends were left untied. I needed it. I had it all organised. A week or so later, I tried. But the thing that stopped me that day was thinking back on everyone in drama being so worried about me on that day, and the fact that I really felt the need to finish what I'd started.
No-one knew what was up, but even so... A girl posted a comment on my Facebook the day after, telling me that I was a beautiful person, etcetera, without even knowing anything near what I was feeling.

I'm actually sick of crying. People complain about not being able to, but so many people have seen me cry that I never would have wanted to.
It's a wonder that people don't know me inside and out, but I've heard from most people I know that I'm hard to.

But yeah. Doing this play has helped me come to a realisation. I don't know what realisation it is, but every time my drama teacher tells us that this play could maybe just change someones life, I think that it already has.

Acting hasn't just saved my life. It's the most important thing in it, other than people. I'd give anything to make it a career.

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