Monday, September 27, 2010


I need it to be the day.
I need my blinds to be as open as possible.
If I flood my room, if I flood myself with sunlight, I'll be fine, I'll be absolutely fine. I just need there to be a light other than my bedroom light. Not night. Not night. I'd give anything to walk on the beach in the sunlight right now, because then it'd be easier to do it all.
I'm going to have to force myself to think of warm sunbeams and safe hugs tonight, which means I'll wake up early, but I don't mind. It's better than rocking back and forth keeping away tears. Because that's what I've been doing. It hasn't accomplished very much.
Crying isn't an answer to anything, so I won't.
That's the worst day I've had since... I don't know.
I can feel my pulse.
You know, it's odd.
When I was a young girl, one of the best things about the world was my dad coming home. I grew to rely on his hugs more than my mothers, because I got them so rarely.
I've switched dependency utterly. Now there's only two people whose hugs really, absolutely matter.

You know, today is the first time since 2008 that I actually wanted to kill him. If I'd been in the kitchen during that, I actually would have attempted to, without thinking rationally. Most of the time it's just a feeling of not caring whether he lives or dies... it was a goddamn lot stronger today. Why?

Someone. Envelop me. Wrap me up. Keep me safe.

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