Fuck this, I'm sitting in silence and I hate silence when I'm in moods like this.
I'm not going to remedy it this time. I'm gonna see if slamming some of it into the keyboard will help, and perhaps this mood won't come up again. For a while, at least. Hopefully.
Don't you get frustrated when your words get tangled up among letters they don't belong in?
I can never seem to get my meaning across nowadays. It's all just fucking words that don't say anything. I've relied on them all my life, I've been in love with them since I started to speak.
They aren't enough.
I am seriously considering just taking off somewhere. Just packing a bag of stuff, heading on a train to Perth and getting lost for a couple of days. Not taking my phone, not letting anyone reach me. I suppose it'd be easy enough to track my SmartRider, but by the time they figured to do that and found me I'd have had enough. I don't like tangles, and that's what I've currently got myself caught up in. If I escaped it for a couple of days maybe I'd come back knowing how to unravel it.
There is one person I am not either annoyed at or neutral towards at the moment. Only one person I have positive feelings, and positive feelings only, towards.
I can't seem to feel or think anything else. My mind isn't a blank slate, but only because it has memories living and repeating themselves. I just need to blow up at someone or something. The bottle is all shaken up, but the lid is screwed on too tight. Walls and barriers can be too effective.
I think far too much, and get pissed off all too easily.
I won't end up doing it. Not until at least the holidays. I'm not brave enough for that.
I'm a coward as well. Great.
Coward, realist, individual, someone who is easily angered, someone who hides almost everything. If I'd put that as my self concept I'd have been telling the truth. At least, most of it. None of the happy-go-lucky shit that I put down.
Why can't I just talk?
This is a fucking blog. Not a person.