I'm falling. Falling pretty damn fast, I must say.
Obviously, not in a literal sense. Yeah, I'm typing this on my way to my deathbed on the rocks below the cliff I just jumped off.
No, I mean emotionally, I feel like I'm falling. Whether it's a fall as in tripping over, or a fall as in tripping over a cliff, I don't know.
I don't get attached easily. The few guys that I've dated, being only young, there's only been two I've felt emotionally attached to, and the current one is just bloody off the scale, which is scary, and just... crazy. The other one is currently what I call my best friend, but that's very debatable and a topical issue of mine at the moment, and maybe one for another blog.
I hate not being in control of my emotions, but it's a rollercoaster, and I always enjoy thrills.
I've never said love to anyone before. Anyone but my family. It's a word that ties down a lot, and it makes you stay put, and I don't really know that I want that. But I said it pretty early on this time around. And I don't know, maybe then, it was an obligatory reply, I mean, it's horrible for someone to say that they love you and for you to leave them hanging at that.
But what scares me now is that I know it's not an obligatory reply, that I definitely mean it. And I don't want to, I don't want to at all, but I do.
It's letting loose a bit as well, like, I haven't properly let any emotion show since I got over my depression only a little over a year ago, and now I'm showing a wanting, and an eagerness, and love. And it's scary letting one person see that, which is why I can honestly say I trust him. He's sweet and chilvarous... which is an odd trait to like, coming from me, a 15 year old teenage girl, but it's different in the lads of today, and that's something I love.
God, I'm getting more English by the second. "Lads." Next thing you know I'll be calling guys "fit" and trucks "lorries".
But it's not just that, he can be the opposite as well, which can be fun, to say the least.
It's good to know that I can keep control though. I need to remind myself that sometimes, and that sometimes turns into most of the time when I'm with him, because no matter what I feel for him, he's a boy, and I can't let it get too intense. Teasing him is partly jest for me, and partly a reminder to myself.
I don't know, I feel like I'm far too young to be writing about this and have a clue what I'm talking about, which is why I'm apprehensive about posting this. There's also the fact he will read.
Thanks for reading