Saturday, April 2, 2011

... What's the point of trying to pull myself out of it? What's the point of seeing a psychologist, what's the point of taking medication? It's happened 3 times in the past three years, feeling as low as this, playing with the idea of suicide.
Suicide. There, I've said it. It's a word I shy away from. It seems too blunt, too forthright, too hurtful. But what's the point of disguising if there's a pretty strong chance it'll happen anyway? I'm sure the act would hurt people far more than the word itself, though it's better for them. They won't realise that though, not now, and not ever.
I've considered it from every angle. I don't see how it couldn't possibly benefit everyone in the long run.
If I've succumbed to feeling like this three times in the past three years, then I'm pretty sure it's an issue that's going to come up often in my life. I don't want to burden people with responsibility every fucking year- they take it up on their shoulders when I let myself speak. They shouldn't, but they do. And to make it worse, I'm a fucking attention seeker. I crave attention like it's my lifeblood, a lifeblood constantly draining away from me and I gather in more and more and more and I let it sweep out as it all bunches in from the top. So people can't help knowing, and I can't stop myself from trying to get attention. I'm a fucking monster, I spring guilt on people.
I don't want to go through that every year, or every two years, or every three for the rest of my life. And neither do I want to rely on friends, or neighbours. And  don't want to spare the expense of a psychiatrist or psychologist or medication to treat depression or bipolarity, whatever I have, for however long my existence is. It's painful enough as it is, going to bed wanting to run to the train station every night and fall asleep on the tracks. I can't remember the last night I wasn't crying. Last night I stopped in the middle of the hallway and collapsed on the floor and sobbed, and shook, and cried inhumanly. I don't even know how those sounds came out of my mouth. I fainted because I couldn't breathe. I was literally choking on my own sobs and I couldn't get any air in.
I know it's not a brave way out, I know it's a cowards choice, but I've never professed to being anything but a coward. I don't have anything to live for. What I would have to live for would be better off if I was gone.
I don't want to continue being a burden to the world for the rest of my life. If I end that 'rest of my life' soon, then I won't have affected it too negatively, yet.

Pretty sound argument, I think.

5 comments:

  1. Greetings from Finland. This blog is a fun, through access to other countries, people, culture and nature. Come see Teuvo pictures on my blog. Tell your friends why he must visit Teuvo pictures on my blog. Therefore, to obtain your country's flag rise higher Teuvo blog pictures of the flag collection. Have a wonderful weeke Teuvo Vehkalahti Finland

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  2. Brittany, suicide may seem like a good choice but it isn't. It may seem like a good option and as you say it may benefit everyone in the long run but the truth is that it wont, It wont under any circumstances. This I know for a fact, as the last couple of years ive been living with someone's decision of committing suicide.
    I know we don't really know each other too well apart from just chilling in psych, and I don't really know whats going through your head. But please, if you need someone to talk to or just someone to ramble on about nothingness just ask me, ill be happy to.
    Just please, if you are thinking about the whole suicide concept, at least wait and see what life out of high school and life as in independent person is like. Hopefully that will change your mind.
    So yeah, if you need to talk to someone, I'm here.
    - Aiden

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  3. If you were a burden on anyone I'm sure they would have walked away from you, but a lot of people have stuck by you even when you do try to push them away to prevent hurting them.
    Let me ask you this, If you did end your life, how many people would fall to your position? How many people would suffer? Why don't you just wait and see, you can be helped, you just have to accept the help.
    Please talk to someone.

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  4. The only way you could spring guilt on people would be by killing yourself. Your friends and family will just feel guilty because they will think they could of done more to help you. I feel this every day. Getting yourself out of the picture in this way won't benefit anyone in the long one. That guilt will just build up over the years and won't go away. Loom at the last 2 comments - you have people who care about you. If you end your life, those people aren't suddenly going to stop caring about you. As impossible as it may seem at this point, your life will make a change for the better soon. In the meantime, surround yourself with people who you know care about you and who will always care about you. Soon enough you'll be in your own place and your life will begin to make sense. But you have to talk to someone. If it's a friend who've stuck by you through thick and thin, their going to listen and help you. Don't worry about being a burden. I'm sure your friends would rather be burdened as you say then have you out of the picture forever. That's what friends do.
    Please please please TALK to someone. I can't stress how much that will help. It helped me.

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  5. Brittany, this is a serious matter. You've got to talk to us, your friends or to someone who can help you. You got to let your guard down. You got to let loose of that shield of yours and let others help you. Crying it all out and talking to others and talking to a professional can really, do such wonders and you will feel so much better afterwards because you have finally talked to someone about it and got it all out of your chest. If you decided to commit suicide, your only being selfish. All you get to do is just sleep forever while the rest of us are left to suffer because of your actions. Think about Joe and his ex-girlfriend. Think about what she did. You don’t want Joe to suffer with the same faith again because of your foolish actions do you? You are surrounded by many people who love and care for you. We will stick by you through thick and thin. Brittany, listen to us, we're your friends, we do worry about you, we want you to be happy and I know you can be happy if you’re willing to let go of that shield or whatever it is that is holding you back, preventing people from helping you. Relax Brittany and remember, nobody is trying to hurt you. We are all trying to help you. Please talk to someone about it because it will really help you. Like A LOT.

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