Sunday, April 3, 2011

Don't tell me to talk to people.
Talking to people makes me feel worse.
It's also entirely redundant. There's nothing wrong with my life. I've got friends who genuinely care for me, I've got a close family, and someone I love more than anything.

The only real problem in that equation is me. My outlook, and the fact that everyone I interact with is immediately worse off for knowing me. And it can't be solved.

I don't WANT to feel better, not if it means that I'm just going to put off feeling this low for a year. And that's what will fucking happen.
There's a history of depression in my family, my dad's side at least. I've inherited something very similar to his personality. I've seen how much he makes everyone else suffer as a result of his depression. I don't want that to become a feature of my life, nor anyone elses. And he doesn't know he's doing it. Meaning I won't either.

If I go on living, I'm going to keep wanting to kill myself. And that's going to keep fucking happening through my life, there's nothing I can do to change it other than constant psychiatric appointments or constant medication, and I am never ever letting myself become dependant on anything like that, I find it abhorrent. I already hate myself enough as it is, if I live off that it'll make me hate myself even more.

I know it'll affect other people negatively, but just me going on fucking living and going through this every fucking year or two or three is going to mean me fucking suffering. There's nothing anyone can do about it, and I just wish they could fucking see that. Every single fucking person who's known about it has tried their best to help me, and they're all beautiful, amazing people and I love them to bits, but it won't work. It won't, because I can't be helped. I HAVE accepted it before, and it worked... temporarily. There is no fucking permanent cure and I don't want to live it it means this will keep on happening, and that's a fucking certainty.


  1. I dont know why, but people always think that eventually they will say something that will get the person out of what they are like at the moment or something that will get them to change their mind, But yeah thats just a load of bullshit isnt it.
    I'ld like to say that i know what your going through, ive thought about killing myself before, i probably do have depression as it runs in my family and also in my heart i still blame myself for my father's death. But still taking all that into consideration I still have no idea what you are going through. I dont know the magic words to fix you, nor does anyone else.
    But i can offer the way I've adjusted to live considering all that has happened to me. Ive realized that instead of depending on others its better for me to turn into an independent person and in a way isolated myself from others stopping them from getting too close, one or two people excluded of course. Yeah its lonely and I kinda hate myself for doing it but yeah its my decision. And as a result i live everyday thinking tomorrow will be better even though its always the same considering the concept of the monotony of society as we have to live essentially each day as the last. You could argue that its mere ignorance or stupidity but in a way it helps me to live day by day. I dont know why im telling you all this but i think subconsciously im either trying to gain sympathy or im just hoping that deep down something of what i said might help you.
    But i do ask of you this. What makes you continue day by day, even the most insignificant thing is important. If you find something to live for, maybe that will help.

  2. You don't know that a person's worse off for knowing you. There's never a permament cure. No one is happy all the time. Hardly anyone is happy 50% of the time. Your unhappy. You hate yourself. You need to ask yourself why and see what you can do to change that. If you think it's because you drag others down, then talk to those you think your dragging down. See what they say. You don't want to talk to people? Fine. But you need to let all this inner hatred out somehow. The only way your going to feel even the slightest bit better is if you respect yourself. Tell yourself that your worth something and you'll come to believe it.

  3. I agree. How do you know that people are worse for knowing you? Have you talked to them? Perhaps they see something in you that you don't.

    You say you don't want to get better. I think you just don't want to do the hard yards, do what it takes to sort your shit out. If that means ongoing counselling sessions, so be it. If it means a course of antidepressants, so be it.

    "It won't, because I can't be helped." <-- sounds more like "I would if I could, but I can't so I won't". And you won't get any better with that kind of defeatist attitude.

    It is easier to blame others or your circumstances rather than look at what really is the problem. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and work out what in your life you can change.