Friday, April 29, 2011

I've hit a wall. I don't think there's long left of Brittany now. She's nearly over.
I'm not even going to try. I'm worthless. I'm a friend to lean on and then be forgotten, I'm someone to make you happy when I can't be happy myself. When was the last fucking time I was happy? You know you're in trouble when you can't remember the last time the thought of killing yourself wasn't at the forefront of your mind.
I can see why I didn't want to grow up last year. This was obvious. It was going to happen. It's going to happen.
This lasting a year thing.. yeah, that resolution is kaput. When no-one even cares any more and when the only thing keeping you tied to the earth are people that value you but not your life, you need to go.
Depression has never made me angry before. Today it has, and last night too. But at the moment I've come to a point of acceptance. I'm never going to be helped. The good isn't worth the bad, it  pales in comparison.
I can't drag myself up. I can't, and no-one else can do it for me. I give up.
I'm crying. I'm torn, I'm broken. Bits of me that have been coping are now strewn all about, and they can't work without being attached. When I cry, I'm not crying. I can't breathe. My sobs get caught in my throat now, and for a few seconds, it feels like that's how I'm going to die. Red faced and wet faced, tears still running. An ugly Picasso, disjointed features and colours.
I want to have normal teenage concerns. I want to worry about a boy, or worry about school work, or be annoyed at parents, or about petty teenage fights. I want that pain, I want to throw this away. But I'm stuck with this and will be forever. That's the only forever that exists now. the certainty that happiness is something that will come into my life briefly, and flare out again, to be replaced by long, dark holes of loneliness and solitude and gut wrenching pain. Give me the pain back of a child. I want to graze my knee and cry at the sight of blood. Physical pain doesn't matter. break all my limbs, crack my skull open. I want to feel something other than THIS.
How on earth can I keep living like this? This isn't living, it's dying, and slowly, and more painfully than I could have ever imagined.
Let me go. Let me die. I need to, it's the only escape I have.
There's no fucking reason for it, I don't need to explain it, it's just what I'm feeling. And if there's no reason, how can I stop this? I'm not going to bother explaining any more. 
Who am I? I don't want to hurt people, anything but, but it's the only choice I have. I'm killing myself, and whether I do that slowly or quickly is going to depend on me. I am not a good person. I am anything but. And I don't deserve the opinion of anyone who thinks I am, because they're wrong.

The only thing that's been there for me, that's understood me all this way, is my depression. And it's killing me.

1 comment:

  1. Girl, I'm scared... I'm scared for you.
    I don't know what depression feels like, as you know most of my blog is just shit blabber about all the things you'd much rather feel, and all I can say is that I know how much my stuff hurts me, so yours... I can't even imagine.
    Don't kill yourself Brittany, you're still so young, you have your entire life ahead of you. god, I know- telling you this is probably just annoying, I'm sure you've heard it all before.
    I bet you have. But please keep fighting.
    Life isn't easy, or painless, or free. it's the opposite, it's horrifying and painful and... trapped. Pain is a whore, it's bullshit- sometimes you have to understand that the thing keeping you where you are... is you. now, please, plese don't take this the wrong way- but it's you, you have the power, the strength to get out of these, to free yourself. you can tell yourself that it's all these other things causing your pain, but girl it's you- and only you can stop it, only you know why. Sometimes we stay submerged in our pain because we know it gets people to look- and i am NOT at all saying you're an attention seeker, and so what if i was? every person needs attention, and maybe thats it- mmaybe you've always just wanted someone to SEE YOU, to look and say "she isn't alright". and it's gone on for so long because maybe people were so self submerged that they never noticed, maybe now you're just waiting- but because its lasted so long, you don't have control anymore, it's always there now, but you can fix it. eh, i just read over the whole thing and realised i sounded like a total know it all. i don't think i know everything, i guess i'm just trying to help.
    anyhow, what i'm saying beautiful, is that maybe you need to decide, hey- fuck the pain- fuck the people hurting me- fuck the people who don't care- i'm getting out of this, and do it. make yourself do it. make yourself find something to live for everyday, anything to live for! I know it isn't as easy as I'm making it sound. but find SOMETHING!! you want to see yourself meeting your faviourite celebrity, or feel what its like to be in love, or see what your first baby will look like- maybe you want to know what you're going to look like when you get older, or what your job will be. maybe you're going to want to sit on a porch with your husband, your grandchildren running around playing. maybe you want to wait for the new harry potter, or wait to see what the next "twilight" will be.
    or maybe, maybe you want to feel happy, yeah. happy.
    fight for that, wait for that, fuck everything else.. for that.
    for happy.
    stay- so you get the chance to be happy.
    Please don't take anything I've said the wrong way.
    but please... stay.
    if you want someone just to bag your shit on, i'll always be right there. i promise.
    keep your head heald high. x