The thing is, I've taken all the advice. I've seen professionals, I've talked to friends, I've briefly taken medication, and I've cried so much it's a wonder there's any water in my body.
I lie though, and I'm a good liar. I don't want to make people worry, so I don't say anything that will make them worry. Well, I say enough to make them think a little, but I don't reveal almost anything.
I can't stop myself lying either. I've seen the consequences of not lying to people and what it can do, and it hurts to see people hurting for me when I'm not worth it. And it's not a barrier; it could be easily overstepped if I wanted to overstep it. I've talked so much to counsellors and psychologists that I know it's not going to help. I sound like a teenager with stupid problems going through hormones. I'm pretty sure thinking about suicide every night isn't a hormonal thing.
I don't WANT to hurt people, not at all. I don't want to be remembered for suicide, but I don't want to live my life being so down that I hurt people around me. And that's what will happen. If I keep on living, then I'm just going to make everyone around me feel worse. I don't want to go through this spiral of downward emotion every few years, I don't want to be put in that pain all the fucking time. It's hard enough to deal with now, and at the moment it's only happened three times.
If I go, it's like ripping off a bandaid. Sure, it'll hurt like hell, but it's better than a slow, dull ache that continues for the duration of the time that people keep on knowing me. I'm doing it for selfish reasons, sure, but I'm also doing it for reasons that will benefit people. I'd hate to go my life depending on medication, or depending on professional help to get me through the act of simply managing to get up in the morning. That's just going to drain resources, and everyone who knows me, who knows of this, who cares, who is close will feel obligated to stay by my side for fear of setting it off. I don't want people to constantly tiptoe around me. I'm not special.
Talking to people doesn't help. To sort myself out I'd have too spend 23 hours a day talking. And I talk a damn lot on here, too much already.
I know people care, but I doubt they want me being a constant reminder of guilt or worry or sadness or fear through their knowing me.
The problem is that you can't see your own selfworth. People worry about stupid little things all the time. What to wear. What to eat. Who to date. Having friends who worry about your wellbeing is not something to feel bad about. They just want you to feel happy and safe. Having them worry about your wellbeing now is better then having them lose sleep worrying about all the things they could of done to stop you from suicide. If your going to bed feeling dull and suicidal every night, look at what's going on in your life that's upsetting you - look at what's making you the most unhappy. Find it and get rid of it. Get rid of it right now. And just know that things will get better as unlikely as it seems and as big a cliche as it seems. They are going to improve after high school, when you can be more independant. Just wait and see.
ReplyDeleteBrittany, you have a wise anonymous person right there...
ReplyDelete------------------
Brittany, release your fears. Are you not releasing them because you don't feel protective enough? Are you missing your family? Those who you haven't even met yet? Lost contact with? If the things you have tried or are trying isn't working, take a differnt path. Don't just keep walking on the same one when you know it's not leading you anywhere but a dead end. You said you have tried talking to people and it doesn't work. Have you ever considered that your not giving enough information for people to work on? Still hiding something within you? Not letting people reach you, get to know you better? You also said you have tried talking to your friends about it. How come you never talked to me about it? I only find out things through people and through reading your blog.
Brittany, there is a common saying and I'm sure you have heard of it, "No matter how deep or how dark or how long the tunnel may be or may seem, there are always a positive light at the end of that tunnel"
No one will know what the future holds for us, all I know is that you have a long journey ahead of you and who knows, maybe things will work out and change for you and then, you'll be looking back and thinking, what was I thinking back then? Brittany, don't give up now, you can do it. Just because you cry, doesn't make you weak. Everyone cries for a reason. Even I cry sometimes but that doesn't mean I'm weak. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of feeling emotional and that is actually a good thing believe it or not because your letting your emotions out. It's normal to cry Britttany. You are a strong girl. I know you are. You just have to believe in yourself more Brittany. Stop doubting yourself. We all just want you to be happy. Please don't disappoint us. And don't forget, I am always here if you want someone to talk to. Always and I mean it :)