The thing is, I've taken all the advice. I've seen professionals, I've talked to friends, I've briefly taken medication, and I've cried so much it's a wonder there's any water in my body.
I lie though, and I'm a good liar. I don't want to make people worry, so I don't say anything that will make them worry. Well, I say enough to make them think a little, but I don't reveal almost anything.
I can't stop myself lying either. I've seen the consequences of not lying to people and what it can do, and it hurts to see people hurting for me when I'm not worth it. And it's not a barrier; it could be easily overstepped if I wanted to overstep it. I've talked so much to counsellors and psychologists that I know it's not going to help. I sound like a teenager with stupid problems going through hormones. I'm pretty sure thinking about suicide every night isn't a hormonal thing.
I don't WANT to hurt people, not at all. I don't want to be remembered for suicide, but I don't want to live my life being so down that I hurt people around me. And that's what will happen. If I keep on living, then I'm just going to make everyone around me feel worse. I don't want to go through this spiral of downward emotion every few years, I don't want to be put in that pain all the fucking time. It's hard enough to deal with now, and at the moment it's only happened three times.
If I go, it's like ripping off a bandaid. Sure, it'll hurt like hell, but it's better than a slow, dull ache that continues for the duration of the time that people keep on knowing me. I'm doing it for selfish reasons, sure, but I'm also doing it for reasons that will benefit people. I'd hate to go my life depending on medication, or depending on professional help to get me through the act of simply managing to get up in the morning. That's just going to drain resources, and everyone who knows me, who knows of this, who cares, who is close will feel obligated to stay by my side for fear of setting it off. I don't want people to constantly tiptoe around me. I'm not special.
Talking to people doesn't help. To sort myself out I'd have too spend 23 hours a day talking. And I talk a damn lot on here, too much already.
I know people care, but I doubt they want me being a constant reminder of guilt or worry or sadness or fear through their knowing me.