I don't hate anyone. At this moment, I barely dislike anyone. And two people, both people I've already mentioned- my father and my ex boyfriend- have caused me the most pain. In fact, they're the only people of significance that have caused me emotional pain. Physical pain I've never had much of, but I've been in a few physical fights. All of them I walked away from with merely bruises, so I doubt they're even worth mentioning.
I was on the phone to my boyfriend for what felt like the first time in months today.... I spoke to him last night. It's been the hardest day I've had in a while.
In my Politics and Law class, everything collapsed. I couldn't talk to anyone. Usually I seem like this happy, vibrant, cheerful, over the top cartoon character. I don't think I ever could be that person really. By the end of the lesson, I'd built it all back up, and I could go on. I don't know what triggered it, but something must have. It's amazing, when I'm constantly putting on this face, everyone believes it, everyone is happy with me and themselves. As soon as I show a semblance of letting go of anything, people pounce. "Are you okay?" "What's wrong?" "Are you sure?"
I don't matter enough for them to be worried about me as well. They've all got better friends who probably have their own problems, and they've got their own on top of that.
I can deal. If I hide it, I can cope with my problems one by one and privately. I've got a few people to talk to, that's all I need, no one else should or has a need to care.
My being on the phone was not just a start to a pessimistic wallow in self-pity, something happened.
I actually make someones life worthwhile. A whole person.
Don't ever rely on me, please.
I guess this has indirectly discussed the people who've caused me the most pain; it's shown how I process raw emotion and turn it into harshly happy light, because of experiences they have given me.
Doubts of posting this.