Sunday, June 27, 2010

Day 13 — The person you miss the most.

So we're finally onto the second day of the week. Grim Tuesday.
There are many people I miss. Some people I miss because of physical distance, some because they've changed as a person, some because I've changed as a person, some because of emotional and intellectual differences and distance. Most are a mixture.
A lot of the people, particularly the three I miss the most, are physically close to me, are in contact with me often. Either every week, or at least once every three days.
These people, if I had to fit them into one of the classifications above, would be in the emotional distance category. They're also the people I'd like to call my best friends. But if we've drifted apart, then I can't call them that... because, well, we're apart. These three are among the four people I respect the most in this world.
For me not to be able to keep friendships running like these saddens me. It causes me so much guilt and shame and worry and unspent energy.
It's what makes my life hard.
And I've probably got the easiest life I know. I know so many other people who've made so many sacrifices, who've lost so many things. I don't think I should be feeling like this, I don't really deserve to.
I want to smile, and just smile. I don't want to smile because of a joke, I don't want to smile because of a funny moment, I don't want to smile at something cute, I don't want to smile because I'm being actively involved with any of my passions, I don't want to force a smile.
The best, least insane dream I've had recently is me walking down, alone, from the Society and Environment block down to English, with a random smile on my face. Not hurrying, not unhappy, not stony.
The last time I remember being happy for the sake of being happy was on the day I described in not much detail.
I want to sit and talk with someone.
At the moment, I'm not sure if there's anyone I can do that with, and that's what I miss.
You already know much about Mr. Kingdom, from Mister Monday and the other three posts. Grim Tuesday won't give you much more information.
He's the most human person I know. Completely imperfect. But fucking perfect. I miss him so much. His fucking accent, his passion for what he loves, his smileys on MSN, his font, his beliefs.
I sound like I'm in love with him.
It's anything but.
I just want to go back to the friendship. And it's my fault that I've lost it.
I see him every week, I speak to him a lot more than that.
The conversations turn to ash.
They used to be deadly bushfires.

Christ. I need this to be resolved. Soon. It's driving me to obsession. At least in my blogs.
Either quit it altogether or get back to it.

Thanks for reading.

To the other two people, who I know read, if sporadically. You're no less important. He's just the first hurdle. I don't even know if you know I'm talking about you. Both of you are fucking amazing.

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