Friday, June 18, 2010

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.

I'm so tempted to just write "Fuck you" and leave it at that.
But that would be unfair and untrue. I'll try to keep it to a minimum number of characters. It won't work, because this is something I have a lot of mixed feelings about. I'm apprehensive about even posting this, but I know I will in the end.
If he reads it, he reads it. If he doesn't, well, I suppose there isn't much loss. However, people who might read it... if you want to stay out of my personal life just keep away from this. It may get messy.
But this is a person I might return to. He has the potential to become about seven of these days, enough for a Garth Nix series. Should I begin by titling this post Mister Monday?
No, in reality it's eleven of these posts. But I'll try to keep it down to a minimum, to try not to seem obsessed, because I'm not.
Oh look; I've already made one... or two posts about him. If you want to be bothered reading babble.
One of which he's read, one of which I thought, mistakenly, would make a difference.

He's the one best friend I've had. Ever. That was for about three or four months in 2009. From maybe December, maybe January. He asked me out in March, broke up... Mayish. Never went back to best friends.
To be completely honest, I might tear open the whole packet and let it out.
I had a crush on him since ... "a few months" before August of 2008, according to my diary. A long time to like someone. Asked for his MSN, started a conversation with him just about everyday. I think he must have thought I was a bit doolally at first. But he started talking back to me, and we had some really intense conversations. I lost interest in him as anything more than a friend, and I got really involved in developing our friendship. I swear, for months he was all I spoke about at school. But I didn't want to look sad. So I pretended I still liked him. Which wasn't good. That's what I remember, at least.
As I lost interest in him as more than a friend, I'm pretty sure I started looking more like an option to him.
So we got incredibly close.
Or maybe it was just to me.
Anyway. He asked me out. We went out, like, twice, in two months. That should explain how disorganised we were. And how we drifted.
The first time we went out was fantastic. All that needed to be said about it was said about it in one of the posts mentioned above.
I kinda fell back in like with him. Didn't disappear for a long time. I think it was around November that I finally figured to move on. But I haven't let go, not yet.
I miss being friends with him like crazy. I'd give anything to have that back. Actually anything, apart from sacrifices anyone else would have to make, and my own life. I'd give up a freaking limb.
It sounds pitiful, to give that much for one person who doesn't care back. But that's how much I valued the friendship.

I hate nostalgia, I hate focusing on one person, I hate wanting. I wish I had gone with the fuck you, but I've written it now.
Nothing got mixed up feeling wise in it though, it was relatively emotion free.
Which is good.
I should learn to become more like this post.

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