Monday, May 31, 2010


I think today has been instrumental in some way, to forming a new idea, a new outlook.
My aim was to get my hair cut.
I didn't just do that.
Sure, my hair is a damned lot shorter.
But a friend of mine, being the person that she is, dragged me to shops with the intention of making me try something on. My grin grew wider and wider and her disappointment grew more evident as there seemed to be nothing I a) would try on and b)that was moderately attractive.
With my hope that the lack of attractive clothes would continue, I agreed to trying the next thing that she pulled off the shelves on without objection.
The next thing she pulled off was a strapless black dress. I don't do descriptions well especially of clothes, so I'm going to leave it at that. Except it had this lovely feel to it, and was in general a nice design.
But I don't do dresses. I never have the chance to wear them, I don't see the point in them building up in my closet. I've got a few, but the only one I wear regularly is this denim dress that I love but which I've pretty much grown out of.
So she pulls out this dress, and one for herself. I kind of fall in love with the dress on sight. But I refuse, thinking "What's the point of trying it on if you're not going to buy it, let alone wear it?"
She persuades me, and I pull off my jeans and T-shirt in the dressing rooms(My standard outfit wherever I go) and pull on and zip up this dress.
I turn around and look in the mirror, and cautiously call out to her asking if she's done. She's out already.
She looks at me and kind of gasps.
It's the one thing I can remember myself looking good in. And I know I denied it, but I actually looked and felt great in that one dress. And it's something I'd never do alone.
It is nice to feel that good, once in a while.
The dress was more than my budget, it was impractical being that I never would have had the chance to wear it, and my mother wouldn't buy it for me, seeing, as I do, the negatives about it, and the practicalities. So I didn't get it, and I won't.
But it's kind of opened my eyes to a few more possibilities.
Maybe now I can go and try clothes on that I can't afford, just for the feel of them.
Better yet, perhaps I will afford them, once I actually get a job. Which I'm sure to do soon enough with the amount of whoring myself out I'm doing.

Christ. Everything in my life is going so very right, and I have the chance to feel optimistic about a lot, and that's what I'm starting to try to do.
But everything in my life is going so very wrong.
I'm not going to lie. The most important person in my life is myself. I mean, it's my life.
But the person I care most about is not me, and they're no-one my friends would expect. Is it wrong, is it selfish to care more for one person than someone everyone expects you too?
All of my close friends and definitely my boyfriend are extremely high on the list, but this person, who isn't as close a friend as I would like... I care more for.
I'm just scared. Because I know I'm not even in the top ten on this persons list. And I'm urging a few of my friends to let go and find closure over what is causing them stress. And I know it's best for them. I can't follow my own advice. Not anywhere near.
I've cried myself to sleep probably ~50 times because of this one person, in the past few years.
It's horrible. I am a selfish git. There's a reason I'm not in the top percent, and it's because people such as those who are in the top deserve more care, deserve more attention, deserve more compassion.
I talk to them about the very same issues I am facing because of them. I advise them on what to do, albeit badly. All the while I'm screaming at them mentally to understand that they're making me feel what they feel.
It really sucks, not having someone you can trust 100%. Not even myself.
I haven't had a friend like that in two years. I know people are trying. I love that people are trying. When there's one person you're focused on, it's impossible to admit defeat. So I'm sorry to those trying people. I can't dig myself out of this spiral, and I've just recently made it worse.
So I'm slowly being driven mad by forgetting, or attempting to.
Send me to the looney bin.
I'll be happier amongst like-minded people.

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