Tuesday, May 4, 2010


You know what I find interesting?
Those little resolutions people make to themselves, just small ones. Like, "I'll get to the next leaf on the hill before I give up" while cycling.
Or, more appropriate to me.. "I'll just check one blog before I start my homework."
I think if you knew just these resolutions, not even the thoughts of a person, you would gain an incredible amount of insight into that person.
I keep making bigger forms of these resolutions.
"I'll work up the courage to strike up a conversation with him when I finish listening to this song."
"I'll tell her what I really think she should do, right after this week is over."
And then... bigger.
"I will fucking die, there's no way I can get through this."
I meant that last one literally.
Melodramatic attention-seeking teenager, you're probably thinking.
Probably what it should have been.
Probably what it is now, bringing it up again.

I don't know, what are they meant to change? Make us become a better person?
Are we better if we're dead?
No, that's getting deep, and deep is not something I profess to be.
Half of the small resolutions I don't even act upon.

Inability to make decisions. That's what chases people away from me. That's one of the worst qualities to have, and along with a myriad of other bad qualities, it's one I do have.

For some reason, a quote keeps coming to mind from the movie Juno.
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
Maybe indecision isn't the best quality. But someone out there must like it.
Maybe I've found that person.
Maybe I haven't, who knows.

I just need someone to turn to.

Starting to feel another bout of something similar to depression, but not quite as severe.
And this one is staying hidden until I write.

Which is a good thing.
'Cause everyone really would hate to know what my worries are.
Thanks for reading.

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