Friday, May 14, 2010

Sick of...

...mind, sick of heart, sick of body.
I'll explain the first one first. I feel I'm going a little mad. I never used to have the problems with my mind that I have at the moment, and I'm confusing myself more, day by day, week by week.
I don't really know what's up with it.
I've never been one of those people who think before they speak. It's gotten worse of late. I think of a word, and before I know it, it's out of my mouth. Luckily for me, none of what I've said has been offensive. I'll just randomly blurt out stuff like "interesting" or thoughts like "No-one smiles AT you anymore."
I'm adding to my collection of weird looks. Nearly everyone in the school now, but not quite.
But in a way, I feel I'm improving my mind. I've become more negative, but it's not necessarily a bad thing.
"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised"
-George Will

Genius. That's what he was.
It's true, it's a great philosophy too.
Take, for example, just recently. I did a speech for my Literature class, and because I went a minute and a half over the time limit (7-10 minutes), and I didn't think my content was detailed enough, I thought I'd failed.
I ended up tying for top mark in the class- I did tie with a few other people, but still, top mark isn't anywhere near something to be ashamed of.
I was incredibly happy, and I know that I would have been less happy if I'd been expecting to do well.

There's my life lesson for the day. Now let's move on to more mundane things.

All of my friendships are wasting away. But don't worry, it's not bad for the environment- they're biodegradable.
It's far too hard to focus on friendships, schoolwork, homework, jobseeking, a love life, and enough sleep at the same time. And one of these things that are showing the strain is friendships.
I've tried so hard to strengthen bonds with people over the past two years. I've grown close with people, properly, for what might be the first time in my life. And I feel like I'm letting all of that work just... slip, because of my lack of confidence, my lack of courage to strike up conversation that I just know will turn around and bite me. I really hate the internet, but I love it dearly. It's what's caused a lot of my friendships. Reading friends blogs, talking to friends on MSN, seeing what friends are doing on Facebook. But you can't tell emotions through typing, unless it's blogging. And to be honest, that fucking destroys things.
That's why the only thing I'm not apprehensive about on the internet is blogging.
Or a good old email. But people don't know the meaning of email anymore. It's all instant.
I wish we'd stopped developing about five years ago, and focused on building up things around us- countries that need our help, keeping down rates of suicide or depression, figured out a way that humans can live without destroying themselves.
But that's bad, because I don't want to be stuck in the past, I am not a conservatist, I look towards the future- I can't live anything else.
But just to be able to sit down and talk to someone is something I miss. I haven't done that for months, physically at least.
It's all a big group who's far too involved with each other, one conversation going here, another going there. Then you hear your name or something else hat interests you mentioned in another conversation, and leave me feeling deflated and unwanted. I can't blame anyone who does this, I do it probably more than anyone else.
But it happens far too often.
I've got to start rebuilding my friendships. Then maybe my heart won't feel so sick anymore.

I'm writing this in my pyjamas, wrapped up snug in a dressing gown and uggs. Perhaps the least of my worries is the reason for me doing this in the middle of what should be a school day.
I don't like being sick. It makes me feel helpless, and that's something I cannot stand. That's why I don't like people paying for me, and I don't like talking openly to people anymore.
But I suppose you can't really go to school vomiting.
It's just against society's wishes.
What a pity I didn't realise that one day last year.

Thanks for reading.

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