Wednesday, May 5, 2010


I've got a huge decision to make.
It's not that big, but it's absolutely massive.
It's telling someone something that I know they won't think anything of.
Don't you hate when you are building up to something massive, if only to be let down by something so juvenile as a 'meh' response?
I know letting it get to me isn't a good idea.
I've been speaking to my boyfriend about a present, a gift, an offering of words.
I'm relatively sure he doesn't believe it's possible.
When I show him that it is, when I give my gift to him, I hope he'll feel something for it.
But words don't mean much to anyone else but me.
Which is why I don't believe he will.
I'm also meaning to give someone else some words.
But they will either give the juvenile "meh" response, or they themselves will think I am juvenile and obsessive.
I know I need to say them, no matter their response.. But courage is hard to work up.
I have a real fear of that, don't I?
I don't want to be immature, but the only thing that seems to come out of my mouth is dirty jokes.
I don't like being scared of something.
I suppose it's that inevitable want of teenagers, to grow up. Maybe maturity is something adults seek.

To be perfect.

That's how perfect I am.
It's a dream, and that's all it ever will be.

Fitter, happier, more productive,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic like a cat tied to a stick,
that's driven into frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness),
healthier and more productive
a pig in a cage on antibiotics.


Thanks for reading.

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